


Tidbits

by cdenzelj



Category: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:22:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 25,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27642709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cdenzelj/pseuds/cdenzelj
Summary: Warm-ups to a larger fanfic lemon featuring Nick Stokes after he leaves Las Vegas.
Relationships: Nick Stokes/OFC
Kudos: 1





	Tidbits

#1

Nick caught the heady scent of fine Parisian perfume as he rounded the corner. The source arrested him in place. Standing across his office was a strikingly attractive woman in a red samba dress and matching strappy heels. It perfectly complemented her long, wavy auburn hair and intelligent green eyes. The cut was simple, showing off her flaring hips and lithe figure. She was soft in all the right places and strong everywhere else. The ruffled slit in the side went clear up to the middle of her thigh, and the light material swam about her feet as she shifted her weight.  
Nick felt a sharp pain in his chest and he realized he’d stopped breathing. His heart pumped a fresh flood of hormones around his body that he wasn’t even slightly prepared for, causing a shocking sensation to radiate from his chest, down his arms and clear down to his feet. Thankfully, by the time she noticed him, he’d gained control of his senses. And his voice.  
“Can I help you with anything?”  
The woman flashed a playful smile that electrified his system again. “Oh no, Honey. But thanks.” Kind of a familiar tone, but she doesn’t seem to mean any harm by it… “I’m waiting for one of the CSIs to come back from a scene.”  
“You come here often enough to know the rules then?” he asked. Please don’t be someone’s girlfriend…  
Cool down, Dude. This isn’t like you… he chided himself.  
She chuckled. “I guess you can say that. I know I’m not allowed past the office without one of the employees.”  
“Ah ok. You seem umm… a little out of place.”  
She smoothed her hand down her side. “Yeah, sorry. I don’t think I’ll be long, though. Then I’ll be out of everyone’s hair.”  
“Oh, I didn’t mean to offend—“  
She chuckled. “You didn’t. I’m not exactly wearing a lab coat and tennis shoes.” There was a bit of an awkward pause where Nick couldn’t quite decide to say, but by the time he could formulate a coherent thought, she beat him to it. “Hey, if it’s not too bold of me, I like your voice.”  
He beamed brightly, caught somewhat off-guard. That was one thing he’d never been complimented on. That’s weird. She didn’t say ‘accent’, she said ‘voice’… “Not too bold at all. But uh… what exactly d’ya mean?”  
She folded her arms and leaned against the wall. “It’s got kind of a... well, hearing you talk makes me think of whiskey.” He felt his face grow hot. “Warm, oaky, smooth. But it’s not just the accent.” Good God, she reads minds, too… “You sound kind, nice. Like you laugh and smile a lot. Not a smoker, not much of a drinker, not a huge fan of coffee.” His brows shot up. Holy shit, this is freaky! “Gotta be a Texan. I’m thinking… Austin or Dallas?”  
His eyes flashed. “You’re good,” he said through an astonished chuckle. “I was born in Austin, went to college in Dallas.” She looked absolutely delighted with herself. “But that was… God, twenty years ago. I’ve been in Vegas ever since.”  
“Well people tend to keep the accents they start with.”  
“And no, I don’t smoke, I only drink socially, and only one cup a night is enough for me. How’d you guess so well?”  
She laughed whole-heartedly, a sound that sent another rush of sparks from his heart, down his arms. You’ve got a heart like a lion, you can get used to that… “Helps a little when I already know who you are. The rest comes from listening to people.”  
He opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by the sound of someone approaching rather quickly. “Naddie! Good, you made it super quick,” Ellis said, rounding the corner from the police department. He froze and whistled lowly, taking her in. “Jeeze, Girl! You lookin’ like a snack!”  
My thoughts exactly…  
Wait, why is he hitting on her?  
His tone’s kind of… teasing, like they’re just good friends…  
“I happened to be in town,” she said with a shrug. “You caught me on my way to a club.”  
“In an R&B mood again?”  
“Dancing mood.”  
“I didn’t know you liked to dance.”  
“All girls like to dance,” she said flatly. “Not huge fans of just standing around.”  
Nick cleared his throat, snapping Ellis out of his trance. “Right! My manners… Nick Stokes, this is Dr. Natalie Girard.” Nick smiled and shook her hand warmly. “Mr. Stokes is the new director, but you know that. Natalie’s a forensic linguist. I called her in to ask her opinion on a ransom note.”  
“They’re really rare, so I had to see it,” she explained.  
Nick felt like he’d just been winded. “I don’t remember you at the staff meeting when I started,” he said, trying to keep the edge out of his tone.  
Her friendly smile was unwavering, however. Something about her was completely disarming. “Well technically, I don’t actually work for you. I’m a freelance contractor. I set my own salary, you determine how badly you need my help, you pay me when the job is done.”  
Nick tipped his head. No conflict of interest…  
Stop…  
“Right see, Naddie was the night shift lead for years,” Ellis continued, “but she decided to pick up a specialty. A rare one,” he said cooly, narrowing his eyes at her. “Then she took off. Now we barely ever see her.”  
She dismissed his comment with a roll of her eyes. “Right, so I have to make myself available for all the major labs in the state. Still don’t get a ton of calls, though. The techs here can usually figure stuff out for themselves, and ransom notes and threats are extremely rare. But c’est la vie. At least I get to focus on myself now.”  
Kind of talks a lot…  
Not that big of a deal…  
Can you guess her accent?  
No! Quit!  
“Well, I’ve probably taken up enough of your time already,” he said, shaking off his inner thoughts. He knew if he entertained them too long, he’d wind up dwelling on her for days. “It was nice to meet you, Dr. Girard.”  
She raised her hand. “Oh please, you can just call me Naddie. Nice to meet you.”  
#2

Ellis flashed a sidelong glance at Nick as he walked back into his office. “To answer your question: yes, she’s single.” Nick stopped in his tracks hard enough for his shoes to scuff the floor. Ellis was usually too intimidated by Nick to say much of anything, let alone something so forward. He’d called him ‘Mr. Stokes’ for a solid month. “She likes plants, Jason Statham movies, and zombie-killing games.” Nick scowled darkly, but Ellis didn’t seem to notice. He stuffed his hands in his pockets and strolled off after his friend. “Her number’s in Nolan’s rolodex,” he cast over his shoulder.  
“I didn’t ask,” Nick muttered back.  
“You didn’t have to,” Ellis replied through a chuckle. Nick bit the inside of his cheek. Yeah, real subtle you are…  
What did I do?  
Besides nearly ask her out on the spot? I dunno, radiate teenage boy energy?  
You’ve lived in Vegas for two decades, you’ve seen thousands of gorgeous women. What the hell spooked you about this one?  
Nick went about the arduous task of reorganizing the office to his own particular needs. Think…  
Why?  
You know why. As much as he wished someone could put a neat label on his psyche, his mind was a constantly churning miasma of thoughts; voices frequently bickering and vying for his complete attention. Though he was well-spoken and usually calm and collected, his thoughts raced about fifteen percent faster than the average person. And year after year of experience only compounded it. You’re already off to a running start. There’s no winding down until you’ve walked all the way through this. You can tell instantly about people. Something about her isn’t… what you’re used to.  
Fine. Um… The word ‘honest’ is the first thing that comes to mind…  
Why?  
The way she smiles… It makes her eyes shine. She’s going out dancing by herself… Shows quite a lot of confidence. She’s not wearing makeup to go out, so she’s comfortable in her own skin. She’s tan, but it’s natural, like she spends a lot of time outside. Her hair has highlights from the sun. She’s really fit, but still lean. Her hands are soft but for a line across each palm…  
Why is that familiar to you?  
I had the same thing when I was working my parents’ ranch.  
You think she owns a ranch?  
Would make sense…  
What else?  
She’s got a playful and friendly demeanor that just seems natural. She wasn’t flirting, but she talked like she’d known me already. I didn’t sense her making assumptions about me that she didn’t say out loud. Tons of women want something from me—  
You’re making twice what you usually make, so now you have to be twice as careful.  
I don’t think she’d care. Any woman who can be that confident with herself doesn’t need a man to take care of her. Besides, if she’s single, she’s perfectly capable of taking care of herself…  
She kinda reminds me of Catherine…  
Nick paused, turning his attention out the window. The sun sank to a halfway point over the surface of the ocean, turning the water the color of wine, reflecting bold colors off the thousands of office windows all over the city. Something about redheads always made him think of sunsets.  
Why was that never right for you?  
…I wasn’t ready… And it never felt right. How she and Warrick always seemed to have a thing, and then with Vartann… No, not a good fit for me…  
Then dwelling on Natalie wouldn’t be fair to her.  
He scowled. He couldn’t argue with his own logic. She strikes you as being a lot like Catherine, and you don’t need to be comparing the two. Cath’s never gonna happen now.  
You just met, she could be way different.  
Not always a good thing. Gotta talk to her to know for sure…  
No, just… let it go, huh? You got other things to focus on, let it go. No one knows me better than me. Consider this a warning. Don’t even start. Look, you’re capable of just being cordial with a woman…  
Ha! Yeah, you know how you were in high school. Always the friend.  
But that… I haven’t felt sparks before. Attraction, duh. Heat, yup. Chemistry, once or twice. But not sparks.  
The fuck are you saying?  
It’s never crossed my mind that just being around someone could… hurt.  
That’s not good, Bro. That sounds God-awful.  
But it’s a good kind of hurt! She could crush my heart into a million pieces and I’d thank her for getting her hands on it…  
You’re a masochistic idiot. Leave the girl alone and go about your business. You’ve got enough going on…  
…Fine. But if she talks to me, I’m not stopping it.  
Good, now I can go back to brooding with a clear mind…  
#3

Nick focused on his work well into the night, being periodically stirred by the sounds of shift change in the hall; mid-shift trading information with graveyard, the shuffle of jackets, cracking of tired joints. Sometimes someone would stop by to speak to him about calibrating this machine or that, or ordering more chemicals and substrates. But he noticed no one ever ventured further than the doorframe.  
He felt he was just as cordial and friendly as he’d ever been, so he was at a loss as to why everyone was so intimidated by him. He sighed heavily, the weight of fatigue beginning to bear on his back. Switching shifts every two weeks was no easy task, but he’d dealt with far worse.  
By the time two o’clock rolled around, he resigned himself to finish the rest of the paperwork tomorrow. He was already well ahead, and he preferred to stay that way.  
Suddenly, he heard a soft knock on the door and Natalie strolled in, holding her heels in one hand and a coffee cup in the other. “You look tired,” she said, taking a seat across from him and handing him the cup. He took it with a smile, eyeing her carefully. She shrugged. “Cider. I dunno how you take your coffee.”  
“Generally not before bed,” he replied, inhaling the scent of apples and cinnamon deep into his lungs. Girly, but freakin’ delicious anyway… “You sure you should be barefoot?” he asked, sipping cautiously at the edge of the cup. It was warm, but thankfully not scalding hot. As soon as the sweet and tart drink hit his tongue, he felt ready for sleep.  
She raked a hand through her auburn hair, crossing one leg over the other. “If I was anything but a linguist, I would’ve bought some new clothes before rushing over here. No toxicologist is gonna wear a samba dress and stilettos around ethers and acids.” He smiled and nodded. “I didn’t see the harm since I was just in Documents.” She leaned forward, lowering her voice. “I’m really sorry we met like this. The lab caught me on a very rare day out.”  
“Don’t get a whole lot of time to yourself?” She shook her head.  
“Not in town, anyway. I’ve been kind of cooped up.”  
“Got bored with your horse?” She tipped her head.  
“Did you read up on me, too?”  
“No, I didn’t even know you existed ‘til today.” He reached his hand forward and retrieved a long, black hair from right in front of her. He rolled it between his thumb and first finger, examining both ends. “Horse hair. Mane. Shed from a… Friesian. Based on the thickness, likely a younger stallion or an older mare,” he said with a bit of an upward inflection. “Not a cheap horse. You take very good care of him.”  
She smiled brightly, clearly impressed. “Very good, Mr. Stokes. I’d ask how, but I’d expect nothing less from the country’s leading fiber specialist.” He bowed his head slightly, loving the appreciation. She took the hair from him, dropping it in the trashcan. “Ranger. He’s the only Friesian I have, but he’s a good worker. Real protective of the others.”  
“That’s good. Stallions tend to get kind of aggressive.”  
“I’m sure he would… If I didn’t have a breeder tech stopping by on the regular.”  
Nick chuckled over the edge of his cup. “Yeah, that’d put him in a better mood.”  
“Well, at any rate, he’s got a crazy thick mane and his hair gets on everything.”  
“I believe it. What was so interesting anyway? To pull you away from some fun time and put yourself in a document lab?”  
“Brian’s case had something to do with this rich couple going through a rough patch. The wife disappeared for a couple weeks, husband thinks she went to Cancun to cool off. ‘Til this handwritten letter appears at the home demanding a ransom to get her back. The husband doesn’t recognize it, but he notices the misuse of ‘there’ and ‘their’, which his lovely bride never fully got. So he called us.”  
“Seems pretty straightforward. But since he knew that, he could’ve faked it.”  
“Yeah, we get those periodically,” she said, leaning back in the chair and grinning brightly. “People think they’re so smart.” He tipped his head, finishing the last of the warm apple cider. The wicked look in her eyes was positively amusing.  
“What’d you do?”  
“Well, a few years ago, I realized that people already know what we’re going to do when we bring them for an interview. They know that asking for a written statement is our way of getting a handwriting sample without needing a warrant.”  
“And they’re not usually expecting it.”  
“Right. That was the old days. Now, with all these crime shows out there, people try to stay a step ahead. If we bring in the guilty person, they know what they did to make the letter so they try and disguise their writing.”  
“But a linguist can tell the difference.”  
“Of course! But I take things a step further and have the CSIs take pictures at the house of everyday things. Things people wouldn’t assume we look at.”  
Nick nodded in understanding. “So when it comes time to interview, you can compare everything from his house to what he gives you here.”  
“Makes things that much easier on me. But I take things a little further. Part of being a linguist is watching people… Getting a read on the things they don’t say; body language, their demeanor, the way they carry themselves… The vibes they give off. So I’m listening to the interview, reading his statement, and I realize, this guy’s running off a script.”  
“What, like he’s repeated the same story over and over in his head?”  
“Yeah. I mean, I’ve seen it a billion times, but it was almost word-for-word. One thing I noticed is that he doesn’t use contractions AT ALL, just like in the ransom note.”  
“That’s gotta be weird to listen to.”  
“Oh, for sure. But, dude made his wife disappear, I’d bet my house on it. Ellis can figure out the rest.”  
“Why would a guy send a ransom letter to himself and then call the cops?”  
Natalie shook her head, looking suddenly disappointed in him. “Oh, c’mon, Mr. Stokes. You know as well as anyone people deep down want to get caught.”  
He smirked. “Or they’re trying to make it look like they did everything they could.”  
“Right.” She sighed, massaging her brow with her thumbs.  
“And you can just call me Nick.”  
She nodded. “Nick. Anyway, Last Call was an hour ago and I just thought I’d swing by and see how you’re doin’ before I went home.”  
“I’m okay,” he said in a more assuring timbre. “Job’s way more paperwork and not as much science as I thought, but I’ll manage.”  
She chuckled softly and leaned forward, locking her eyes on his. “That’s good, but that’s not really what I mean.” He narrowed his eyes slightly. What do you mean? “How’s your mental health? You feelin’ homesick still? Find a hobby out here?”  
“A little personal, don’t you think?” he asked, desperately trying to keep the chill from his tone.  
She shrugged. “I’m not making a pass at you or anything. You were just giving off these kind of… bummed out vibes, so I figured you were missing home. All your friends, your crew, maybe even your old job? Day shift plays beach volleyball and nights has a softball team.”  
“Huh. We just had softball. We played the PD a lot.”  
“It’s a lot cooler here than in Vegas,” she said. “And middle-city is kinda tightly packed, so you get EMTs, CHIPs, local cops, a couple ladder teams, an attorney or two, and us.” As she spoke, she counted off on her fingers. “So we just kind of… split things up.” He tipped up his chin. “Look, if no one’s asked you to join in, there’s no harm in asking them if you can play.”  
He shook his head. “I’ll be okay, this whole thing is a process, that’s all… Takes time. No one wants to be the geek who invites the boss. And no one’s gonna act like themselves. It just gets weird. But ya know, I don’t get why no one wants to talk to me at all, am I really that scary?”  
She shook her head. “Don’t take it to heart, it just takes time for everyone to warm up to ya. They don’t know what kind of boss you’re gonna be, since you probably don’t even know yourself.”  
“I get that, I guess. Still kind of stings a bit.”  
“Well… How did you feel about Grissom when you first started working for him?”  
“Do you guys know everything about me?”  
“Just the stuff we can look up,” she replied. “You don’t really think ninety of the state’s best CSIs wouldn’t do our homework on the new boss?”  
Nick raked a hand through his short hair, thinking back to when he was still a young college grad, with just enough police training to make an impression. “I was scared shitless,” he said finally. “I knew I had to make him proud of me. I was never sure why, but I always wanted to be like him.”  
Natalie nodded slowly. “And after a while, you start to realize that you don’t have to idolize him. That he’s just a person with a brilliant mind and a heart and feelings just like everyone else.”  
Nick leaned forward, resting his head in his hands. “I’ve come to realize that where people excel in some areas, they lack in others.”  
“And your people know that, too,” she reassured. “They’ve heard about how smart you are, and they tend to assume you’d be—“  
“Socially deficient.”  
“Or really just strict,” she offered. “Remember, you’re the one whose job it is to keep them in line. You sign their paychecks, approve their promotions, reprimand them, fire them, replace them. It’s only normal to be intimidated. Once they see you’re human, they won’t be so scared of you.”  
“Could take a while.”  
“Well, you seem to have made friends with Ellis, that’s a good start.”  
“Maybe,” he muttered.  
“Been golfing with the sheriff and the deputy mayor yet?” she asked smoothly.  
He scoffed. “No. God, I hate golf.”  
“Well at their age, that’s really all they do,” she said through a laugh.  
Hearing her warm chuckle put him more at ease. “I’ve heard the surfing’s choice.”  
“It is,” she agreed.  
“You surf?”  
“Not a bit.”  
He laughed lightly. “So you just hang out on the beach and watch?”  
She shook her head. “No, I never much cared for the ocean.” At his confused expression, she clarified: “Too much salt. If I want beach time, there’s a little lake on my land.”  
“If you don’t like the ocean, why live out here?”  
She lifted her shoulder. “I have my reasons. But one thing I’ve always needed to be happy is fresh water and a kayak.”  
“Fair enough,” he said. “Still… Stuff’s kind of hard to find around here. Where was it you said you came from?”  
“I didn’t say. I’m originally from Thunder Bay, Manitoba.” At his perplexed look, she grinned. “Canada.”  
Nick tipped his head back. “Where about is Manitoba?”  
“Directly over Michigan. Thunder Bay is right on Lake Superior, right across from Marquette.”  
“Well, that explains how friendly you are.”  
“What do you mean ‘friendly’? Do people not usually like to chat in Texas?”  
“Depends. No one’s ever just… struck up a conversation with me like you’ve known me forever.”  
“Well, you don’t seem to mind,” she pointed out. “Is it the dress?”  
He laughed and shook his head. “No, if I’m being honest, I forgot you were wearing it.” She made a face and he quickly backpedaled. “I don’t mean—“  
She waved het hand. “Relax, I get it.”  
“But I do like your company,” he said. “It’s been way too long since someone’s sat down and talked to me.”  
“Well, people aren’t meant to me alone too much.” She hugged herself, tipping her head against her shoulder. “I know what it’s like to feel… kind of alone and depressed, and the one thing that always made me feel better is to make it my mission to compliment at least one person every day. The world needs that, I think. People need to be reminded that no matter what you do, no matter how other people envy you or your job… you’ve still got a heart to look out for. You’re a lab director second, but a human first.”  
Nick fixed his gaze on hers, his eyes searching for a trace of insincerity in her. But he found none. She wasn’t feigning nobility or kindness or depth of compassion. She genuinely knew how he felt and cared. It truly made her feel better to get him to talk about his feelings. “Thank you,” he said finally.  
#4

“Naddie?”  
“Yup?”  
“Would it be completely out of line if… Can I see you again?” He shivered, the full realization that there was no going back hitting him in his core. God, why is this so difficult?  
Natalie froze with her hand on the page, her deft fingers lightly toying with the edge of the paper. He could see her tongue trace her bottom lip, and he felt a sudden pang of dread embrace his heart like hot barbed wire. “I don’t think that would be a good idea, Nick.” Her tone was soft, but laced with genuine regret.  
He lowered his head, taking a deep, painful breath. “Is it… ‘cuz I’m—“  
“Like I said, Nick. You’re not my boss,” she said, avoiding his gaze. “That’s not the issue.”  
“Did I do something wrong?” he pressed.  
“No, of course not.”  
He dropped his tone another octave, praying inwardly no one but her could hear him. “Is it… because I’m a bit older?”  
At this, she wheeled on him. “What?!”  
He shrugged, running the back of his hand against his cheek. “I get it. I’m not what I once was. Been gettin’ some crow’s feet, some lines around here.” Her eyes flashed with bewilderment. He shoved his hands through his hair. “Lil’ more salt than pepper up here lately—“  
Natalie crossed the room in three strides and threw her arms around his neck, pressing her body flush against his. He let his heavy arms fall around her waist, pulling her in tight enough to feel her heart beat against his chest. “Nick…” Her nails lightly raked the nape of his neck while her warm sigh graced the shell of his ear. He swallowed hard, stifling a very natural-feeling purr. For once, his swirling thoughts were completely silent, allowing her to brand on every one of his other senses. “That is the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard,” she whispered.  
“What d’ya mean?” he mumbled into her hair, not willing to relinquish his hold on her.  
“I don’t give two shits that you’re older than me. Because believe me, you are exactly my type.”  
“Oh yeah?” he whispered, smiling a little as he nudged her temple with his cheek.  
She chuckled warmly, fixing her gaze on his. “Oh yeah. I got this thing for dark eyes and big arms and strong legs and whiskey-sounding accents.” His hurt gave way a little and he allowed himself a small smile. “And lines do not make you any less attractive. To me, just shows you laugh a lot.” She smiled back, moving her hand to rest on his jaw. “You’re smart, and brave, and loyal. You have a good heart. Which is why you really don’t want me.”  
“If you think I’ve got a good heart, I don’t get why I wouldn’t want you,” he murmured.  
“There’s a reason I’ve single for so long, Nick,” she explained. “Two or three reasons, actually. I’m damaged goods, and guys… just don’t want me. I tell them… things, and they all decided they better cut their losses and bail.” There was a wistfulness in her tone that broke his heart more than rejection. What the hell hurt her?  
“Then those were lesser men.” He earned a slight smile from her, and in that small gesture, he saw his hope. “Look… We’re all damaged goods. The trick is to find someone that knows and understands. I know that there’s some things that… just can’t be fixed. But I want to be there anyway.” She shifted her weight, still wrapped tightly in the wreath of his arms. “Would it make it easier if I told you all my demons, too?”  
“You haven’t told me?”  
“Not everything,” he mumbled. “Not the kind of thing people bring up over coffee.”  
“If I tell you… I’m afraid I might lose you as a friend, too.”  
“Then I wasn’t worthy of your friendship anyway.”  
#5

“I’m sorry to show up without calling. It’s just… When I thought about it, I didn’t know what I was gonna say.”  
Natalie smiled warmly. “I’m always around, Nick.” As she stepped toward him, her chipper mood evaporated. Waves of sadness rolled off of him, chilling the air. She could see in his eyes that he was battling a world of hurt. “Woah… I’d ask you if you’re okay, but I think that question’s kind of moot.”  
He raked his hand through his hair, heaving a deep breath. “I just got a call that… Julie’s dead.”  
Natalie frowned and set the brush on the bench. “C’mon, Honey,” she said softly, taking him by the arm and bringing him outside I to the sun. “Julie Finlay? The CSI that was attacked in her apartment a few months ago?” He nodded lowly.  
“I guess Vegas is a magnet for the worst types, huh?”  
“Yeah, you guys do tend to make CSI news all over the place,” she said, careful not to chuckle, even lightly. “What happened?”  
The two climbed up the fence bordering the corral and the first pasture. Nick rested his weight on his forearms, weaving his fingers together. “She’d just… been on a machine way too long. Decisions were made. I just… I knew I shouldn’t have left while she was out,” he said, his throat tightening as he choked back his grief.  
“Oh no, don’t do that, Nick,” she said, grasping his wrist. “Look… You could’ve been by her bedside every. Single. Moment, and she still wouldn’t have woken up.”  
“People in comas sometimes know who’s around them,” he countered. “She could’ve heard me… maybe. And she wouldn’t have felt so alone.”  
“Nick, she was never alone!” she said. “Look… have you ever done or said anything to her that would’ve made her think you didn’t care or that you didn’t love her?”  
“Of course not. She was family. We didn’t sleep until we got the guy. We were all out for blood for what he’d done to her,” he replied in a low growl.  
“Then don’t beat yourself up, okay?”  
“No, I think I’m still gonna,” he said flatly.  
“Nick, you know why I think child cases are the hardest?”  
He shrugged. “Maternal empathy?”  
“Uh… Let’s put a pin in that. But… when I find out a kid’s been abused their whole life, the only thing I can think is ‘this poor baby. Such a short life and the only thing they’ve ever known is pain and suffering.’”  
“What’s your point?”  
Natalie massaged her brow with her thumb. “C’mon, Honey. Every waking moment of her life as a part of a team like you had… She had to know that you loved her and cared about her. Everyone on your team feels the same way, I’m sure. So the last thought running through her mind, I’m sure wasn’t, ‘Where’s Nick?’ In fact, I’m willing to bet that the last thing crossing her mind was ‘Nick’s gonna fucking kill this asshole.’”  
Nick finally broke out in a smirk. “I didn’t, though… I’m no killer. God, sometimes I want to, though.”  
“We all have moments, Nick.” He sighed deeply, the weight on his chest finally allowing him to breathe. “The important thing is to never let the people you love doubt how you feel about them. It’s the only thing we can control.”  
God, she’s good…“You really do have a beautiful home,” he said, taking a long moment to take in the stunning view of her property. Rolling hills bordered by a lake to the far north, a thick jack pine forest to the west, and mixed fences to the east painted a picture in his mind he could always conjure up when he felt broken-hearted. “Where’s the herd?”  
“What’s today?”  
“Saturday.”  
“Mmm… Northeast pasture. You’re changing the subject, Mr. Sir.”  
“Sorry,” he mumbled. “Back to the crippling depression.”  
“I have one more thought, just in case I didn’t make my point.”  
“Woman, please take it easy on me, okay?”  
She ignored him. “Look, I’ve never really been a fan of religion at all, you?”  
He shrugged. “I dunno what’s out there.”  
“Well, if you don’t know, you have to accept the fact that we all might just end up in Hell when we die—“  
“I don’t like this—“  
“Hang on, will you? I think everyone’s idea of Hell is different. What’s yours?”  
He sighed heavily. “I’m not understanding how this is gonna make me feel better.” She narrowed her eyes at him, and he felt the need to go along. “Well… I’ve lived in the southwest for so long… I suppose heat wouldn’t bug me too much… I guess never-ending cold. Like… really cold, though. Just stinging wind and ice and loneliness. But instead of going numb, it just gets colder and colder and all you feel is pain.” She regarded him for a long moment, staring at him with wide eyes. “You asked.”  
“No that’s… That’s creative.”  
“Look, it doesn’t matter anyway, because neither of us believe in this afterlife thing.”  
“Right. Okay, mine is… being forced to watch the people closest to me; my kids, my husband, my dad, my friends… watching them all grieve for me. Hearing them cry and scream over me, but never being able to do anything about it.”  
Nick buried his face in his hands. “Still not making me feel better.”  
“Do you think that the friends you’ve lost would want to see you give up your dream job because you were tearing yourself apart for being human? For not being an all-powerful god that can make everyone’s pain and suffering go away? Do you think she’d want to see you get wrathful and depressed, or do you think she’d want you to honor her and take a lesson from her? Do what she didn’t have the chance to do?” A muscle in his jaw twitched. He’d heard this before from Russell, but for some reason, it had only just now got through to him. “You can choose to see this as a crippling loss and wallow in your self-hatred, or you can examine her life and ask yourself, ‘What would’ve made her happy? What do I wish she had the chance to do, and should I do that for myself?’”  
“You may have a dark way of going about it, but I do feel better.”  
“Are you gonna be okay?” she asked, turning his hand up and stroking the soft inside of his wrist. He smiled and kissed the back of her hand.  
“I’ll be alright. Just tired of losing people.”  
She bit the inside of her cheek, hoping he wasn’t so empathetic as to read her thoughts. Thankfully, he didn’t seem too aware of how much his loss hurt her, too. “Maternal empathy refers to how mothers feel towards other people’s children in danger or in pain.”  
“…And?”  
“I’m not a mom, Dumbass!” she laughed, backhanding his shoulder.  
He grinned. “I know but… I dunno…” He tensed up and climbed off the fence, deciding he suddenly needed a bit more space.  
“No no no, you don’t get off that easy, Tex!” she said, following him back into the yard. “Do I give off that kind of vibe?”  
He turned around, walking backwards toward the house as she prowled closer to him. “What?!”  
“What is it about me?” she pushed in a mock-offended tone. “Am I matronly?”  
“Oh God, no!” he laughed.  
“Do I look like I’ve had kids?”  
“You’re baiting me!” he barked, stopping and pointing at her.  
She folded her arms over her chest. “I knew it! You think I’m chubby!”  
Nick tossed his head back and laughed wholeheartedly. “Oh my God, no you’re not!” He walked up to her and pulled her into a tight hug, lifting her clear off her feet. Pure warmth flooded him as he felt her arms circle his neck. “Thank you, Naddie. I needed that.” He set her down. “And you’d still be beautiful even if you were chubby.”  
She chuckled, pushing him towards the porch. “Put it on ice, Cowboy. You’re still pretty vulnerable.” She might be getting how I feel. Well, at least she’s not put off by it…“C’mon, you can help me with dinner.”  
“Dinner?” he said, his heart skipping a few beats.  
“Yup. It’ll make you feel better.”  
I can think of a few things…  
C’mon, she said ‘no’. Behave.  
—————————————————————  
#6

“You made the news,” he said flatly.  
Natalie shrugged. “And that’s… bad?”  
“I don’t think you really got your point across,” he replied, taking a seat on the couch. “Because everyone who was able to identify you think either you’re a hypocrite, or you turned your back on your cop friends.”  
She folded her arms, meeting his gaze with equal intensity. “Social change is never quiet. It’s messy and bloody and terrifying. That doesn’t mean the people who can make a change should stand by and let others take the bullets.”  
“I’m not disagreeing with you,” he said quietly.  
She stopped, fixed with bewilderment. “Sooo… you’re not here to lecture me?”  
“Is that what you think I do?” She shrugged. “No, I just wanted to see how you’d take it if I tried. Good to know you’d put me right back in my place.”  
She shifted her weight, looking down at her feet. “Sorry. I have a habit of talking too much. Come across as bitchy sometimes.”  
“I didn’t get that,” he said. “But there’s something you should know.” She sat on the coffee table, leaning forward and resting her arms on her lap. “I was worried about you. I had no idea that you were planning on doing something like that. Then I saw that a couple fights broke out and my first thought was—“  
“That I punched a driver or something?” she scoffed.  
His eyes flashed. “That someone punched you. Naddie, I keep worrying that something’s gonna happen to you. And before you say anything, I’m not being paranoid.”  
“What does that even mean?”  
He sighed and lowered his head, threading his fingers together behind his neck. Just say it… After a long paise, he looked up, staring deep into her green eyes. “I’ve been having dreams about you.”  
“Oh-kay… Like… Sex dreams?” she asked.  
He splayed his hands in front of him. “Not… all the time. But look, there’s sometimes, when I have a flashback to a bad case but instead of the vic, I see you.” She nodded slowly.  
“And, how does it affect you?”  
He felt a tight knot in his throat as he remembered how he woke up this morning. “I don’t want to go into details or anything, but I wake up wishing it’d been me. I wake up with such a pain inside, I wish they would’ve just drowned me, or shot me, or stabbed me. Everything that used to keep me up at night… Now it’s you, and it’s so much worse. I wake up and I have this urge to call you just to make sure you’re still alive. But I hate myself for pushing you away and… I tell myself I don’t have a right.”  
“You can call me anytime you want, Nick.” She shoved her hands through her hair. “God, you’re such a masochist!” He smiled bitterly. “Why do you feel like you need to stuff everything down? And then when you allow yourself to feel a little, you feel like you should be punished for it?”  
He lifted his shoulders. “Society demands that from men. Look, I’m not like you. Intimacy is such an easy thing for you—“  
“The hell it is!” He looked at her, a cold shiver running down his spine. “Nick, do you know how many men tuck tail and run from me when I tell them those things? But I tell them because I keep hoping I’ll stumble on one that understands me. Nick, it took me years to accept what happened to me and even longer to embrace it and make it a part of myself. Because pain like that… pain like yours… it doesn’t go away. You don’t have to put yourself under that kind of pressure for me. I want you to feel free to open up to me. If you can’t, I won’t force you, but I’ll never really understand you. I need you to let that wall down. You have to want to let it down, though.”  
He made a face, lowering his head again. “I’m ready now. That’s… not all, though.” He took a deep, shaky breath. “The ones that hurt the most… the ones that leave me in tears when I wake up… Are the ones where I imagine you marrying someone else.” Natalie drew a surprised breath as his eyes met hers again. Her tongue was chained to the floor of her mouth. “I try to tear the building down, but I’m not strong enough. I try to scream for you but you can’t hear me. And the only thing that pulls me out of it is feeling like someone’s torn my heart out.  
“See, I always wanted to make absolutely sure that whoever I was gonna fall in love with would be it. I’m not one for playing games, I don’t do the whole divorce, baby-daddy thing. And up until now, I thought I’d only ever come close, and I was ready to accept that. But you came along and it was just such a shock to my system that I was sure that what I was feeling couldn’t be real. I’ve been spending a lot of time trying to figure out what makes you so different than her that makes my feelings so much stronger. And it hit me: she gave me sympathy, when what I needed was empathy. She’d been through a lot in her life and I always thought of her as beautiful for being so strong and independent. I thought it was something we could have in common, and it didn’t have to become some kind of sick competition. But when it came to my own pain, I felt like I had to bury it all deep down where I’d never have to look at it. But you… You don’t pity me. You understand me. You know exactly how I feel. You know exactly what lives in my heart. I don’t need someone who will just listen to me. I need someone who will feel and understand me. And that’s you. You make me want to be better, to have the courage to face those things down. Naddie, I’ve fallen in love with you. Madly, hopelessly in love. And… I don’t ever want to leave. I want to protect you, as long as you’ll let me.”  
Natalie smiled warmly, leaning forward and pressing her forehead to his. “People don’t talk like that anymore, Nicky.”  
“I know. But they don’t usually feel this way.” They sat this way for a long time, sharing each other’s breath, feeling each other’s pulse through their fingertips. Please take me back… You don’t have to say you love me. Just touch me, kiss me, run with me, warm my bed again…  
“I love you, Nick.”

#7

“What’re you trying to do?” asked Nick through a laugh.  
“He needs his worming medication. He does this every month! Get over here, you gigantic asshole!”  
“You’ll never catch him on foot.”  
“Well, he’s faster than all the mares,” she snarled back, nearly winded. Ranger nickered proudly from the farthest side of the paddock.  
“Need any help?”  
“Do you really need to ask?”  
“Could just wait ‘til nighttime when he’s kind of groggy,” he said, climbing over the fence. “Or hungry.”  
“This chonker?” she giggled with her hands on her hips. “That could take forever.”  
Nick shrugged. “I’ve got time to kill.”  
“He’s got to take it while his stomach is full. But every time I let him eat, he gets all wound up.”  
“Could we bribe him.”  
She sighed heavily, glaring coldly at him. “That’s how we got here.” He laughed heartily. “Shut up! I’m still figuring things out.” She handed him a lead line and he toyed with it between his hands. You haven’t done this in decades… “Now help me, or no games tonight.”  
He cast a heated glance her way. “Mm, yes Ma’am.”  
The two flanked to either side of the paddock, slowly closing in on the mischievous stallion. Ranger pranced and snorted at them, tossing his head and flagging his tail. As soon as they were within arm’s reach of him, he bolted toward Nick, brushing against him at a canter and nearly knocking him off-balance.  
Natalie groaned loudly and lost her temper, chasing Ranger as fast as she could. Nick laughed and joined in, racing with her around the paddock, trying in vain to catch the horse by the halter. They barked orders to each other through laughs and frustrated groans as Ranger ran between them, always dashing just out of reach.  
After about fifteen minutes, Nick was finally able to hook his fingers in the jaw strap of the halter. He lunged forward and used his weight to slow Ranger enough to get the lead clipped on. Unfortunately, the massive momentum of the horse threw his full weight into Natalie on the other side, with Nick’s hand still wrapped in the lead.  
He landed on her hard, his weight forcing most of the air from her body. She cried out, her hands instinctively grabbing fistfuls of his shirt. “Shit, I’m sorry!” he said, shifting to straddle her to take the pressure off. Ranger’s tug on the lead kept his arm held out in front of him while the other was planted next to Natalie’s head. He tried to block out the sensation of her nails raking his chest, but that would’ve been as easy as ignoring how warm her body was under his.  
“Owww!” she groaned, using her grip on his clothes to pull herself up, sitting flush against Nick.

—————  
#8

“I don’t understand why she needs to know the details, that’s all. It was always enough for everyone else to just… let me tell them what happened. Why does she need to know what I was thinking or feeling?”  
“It’s quite possible this woman is empathic.”  
He sighed, narrowing his eyes. “The hell does that mean?”  
“It means that she craves a deeper level of intimacy from you that she can only get by understanding exactly how you feel when you’re put in certain situations. Empathy is different than sympathy because it requires you to be able to put yourself in another’s position and think about how you would react if the roles were reversed.” He sat back in his chair, tenting his fingers. “Long-term relationships aren’t always fun and playful, although that’s certainly important. There will come times of trouble and stress and anger, and it’s important to be able to put yourself in the other person’s shoes in order to see things clearly. This woman may already understand that, and was trying to extract a certain level of intimacy from you. Perhaps her methods were a bit lopsided, and she may have provoked you to react rashly, but her motives, I believe, were pure.”  
“She sees the big picture,” Nick said softly, more or less to himself.  
“This woman loves you, and she wants have your back. But you’re the only one that can choose to let her.”

#9

“I’m sorry I woke you, Baby Girl,” he said softly, running his hand through his short hair. “Bad dream.”  
“I know. You were crying,” she whispered. He stared at her. Her eyes were rimmed with fresh tears threatening to fall. His chest tightened.  
“Look, don’t worry about it, okay?” he said casually, moving to start the coffee.  
“You have these dreams a lot, Nicky. Once you woke up yelling for your mom, and another it was Warrick.” Nick’s jaw twitched as his hand latched on his cup. “And every time, you tell me it’s nothing, and to not worry about you. Why do you shut me out?”  
“I’m just no good at talking about things like that,” he muttered. I don’t like where this is going…  
“You’ve been traumatized, Nick. I can see that. I just want… need to know what hurt you so bad. Maybe I can help. Would it be easier if I told you the things that’ve hurt me?”  
“Doesn’t do anyone any good to keep bringing up the past,” he said flatly. It was getting harder to keep the edge out of his voice. She cares about you, just talk to her…  
If I say something, then she’s going to tell me her stories, and this whole thing is gonna end up like some twisted competition of who’s the most messed up. Just like always…  
C’mon, she’s different… She loves you.  
“I can’t help you fight off your demons if I don’t know what I’m up against,” she pleaded.  
“Not now.”  
“Okay… Can you tell me someday? When you’re ready?” Her voice had the tell-tale edge of tears to it, and it was ripping his heart to pieces.  
He grumbled darkly. “How much do you need to know?”  
“All of it, Nick. I want to know what kinda of things you keep locked up. What kinds of things you’ve hidden away. How long has everything been there? What was going through your mind? What do you feel? I want to understand you.” He started to shiver, though he wasn’t cold. She wants details. Everyone else I have to tell is satisfied with a short story. This one wants to expose everything.  
I don’t think I like that…  
It’s scary, but maybe that’s necessary. You can’t keep kicking things under the rug.  
I can’t promise her that…  
“I want to know what it is you do when you’re faced with the things that keep you up at night.”  
He took a deep breath and held it for as long as he could, closing his eyes so he didn’t have to see her start crying. “I can’t promise you I’ll ever be ready,” he said finally. “There are some things I’d rather not reopen.”  
She buried her face in her hands, finally unable to stop the flow of tears. Nick gazed at her, feeling like someone was tightening barbed wire around his heart. He could see her trembling, and it broke him to know that he was the cause. He strode behind her and wrapped his arms around her, trying to get her to look at him.  
“Please don’t—“ She forcefully shoved him away, and the pain in his chest shot everywhere; down his arms and legs, taking the breath from his lungs.  
“If you don’t help me understand the dark parts of you, I’ll never understand the whole you!” she yelled. “If you keep hiding your pain, eventually it’s gonna get out of hand and you’ll lash out and I won’t know what to do.”  
“I haven’t even thought that far ahead,” he said, trying to regain his composure.  
“Then what are we doing?! Is this a game to you? Is this what you do with every girl who tries to get you to open up to them?” she sobbed. Oh no… “There’s nothing… special about me. I’m just like everyone else to you.”  
“I never said that!” he said, raising his voice. He could see her balk at his unfamiliar tone and he reigned himself back.  
“You don’t have to,” she said, starting to head off back to her bedroom.  
“I don’t understand why you’re so mad.” He darted in front of her, physically blocking her from avoiding him. She sighed and sidestepped him, pressing her fingers into his floating ribs to make him shift away from the nerve pain. Before he could stop her, she slammed the door behind her and locked it.  
“I think you should go home.”  
He felt an incredibly hot, searing pain radiate through his chest, shooting down his arms and coiling in his guts. No, this can’t be it.  
Think, you bastard! What is so special about her that you feel so strongly about her that you can’t put into words?  
“I’m not going anywhere. You aren’t out here to move me.” I’m not leaving because we had a fight. This isn’t over. “You are so stubborn,” he growled at the door. “When we first met, you didn’t even want to be involved with me because you didn’t want to open up to me, either.”  
“It’s been six months, Nick.”  
“Look, I just don’t like being under this kind of pressure.”  
“Yeah, well I don’t like not knowing what kind of relationship I’m in. One where my boyfriend thinks he can take on everything by himself, that he’d rather just leave me on the sidelines. You can’t even say you’ll tell me someday.” He sighed heavily, pressing his back on the door and dragging his weight down until he was sitting on the floor. Just say it, you stupid asshole! He took a deep breath, searching his soul for the right words to tell her.  
What if she leaves?  
She’s afraid of the same thing. That’s a risk you have to take.  
“I think we just… need some space for a couple days,” she said. Her tone was disturbingly calm. Nick pressed his hand against his heart. She’s gonna kill me like this.  
“You’re leaving me?” The pain reached his throat, threatening to strangle him. “I have a bad dream and now you want to leave me?”  
“I’m not leaving you, Nick. I just think you need time to figure out what you want.”  
“What do you want?”  
“You! Duh! Now just… go home for a couple days and figure out what you want.”

#10

“Where’s Natalie? I’ve been trying to get ahold of her.”  
“Girl got arrested,” said Luane, casually filing her nails without looking up.  
Nick scowled. “Excuse me? Arrested?”  
“That’s what I said, Boy.”  
“For what?” he demanded.  
“Civil disobedience. She tends to lash out when she’s stressed out. Been telling her to take time every now ‘n then to smoke some—“  
“What do you mean ‘civil disobedience’?”  
Luane dropped her hands in her lap in frustration. “Boy, it is just what it is. She went and joined that protest in town, the one about cops overstepping and abusing people. They were blocking traffic on the 75 for a bit, driver gets out and tries to beat her up.” Nick’s face flushed red with anger. Not my girlfriend. “And she whooped dude’s seven ways to Sunday. She called me from jail to ask me to watch the place for the weekend.”  
A cold pang of guilt hit him. “Why didn’t she call me?”  
“She only had the one call and she said you needed some space. Didn’t say what for. She’ll probably be there all weekend.”  
Nick jumped back in his car and tore out of her driveway, tossing up plumes of red dirt. Trouble-making woman. Why can’t she just drink like a normal person?  
If she was normal, you wouldn’t love her so much. Normal is what everyone else is.  
He showed up at the jail half an hour later and was stopped by the intake officer. “Mr. Stokes. How can I help you?” the young cop asked.  
“I’m here to see Natalie Girard.”  
“I’m sorry, Sir, but you’ll have to wait a couple minutes.”  
Nick glowered, sending a visible shudder through the younger man. “You wanna tell me why I can’t see my girlfriend?”  
“S—standard procedure, Sir. No one can see the inmates until their toxicology screen comes back from the lab.” Suddenly, Brian Ellis came bounding around the corner. He was radiating excited energy that spiked as soon as he saw his boss.  
“Mr. Stokes—“  
“Ah, speak of the devil—“  
“Ellis,” Nick said in a dangerous timbre. “What’s got you all worked up?”  
Ellis shuddered as he tried to reign in his excitement. “HIPPA rules, boss. I gotta give these results to her, and only her.”  
“I’m going with him,” Nick growled at the officer. The young man nodded briskly and hit a button under the counter, buzzing open the door to the holding cells. An older, calmer, much heftier officer greeted the CSIs on the other side.  
“Ellis. Was expecting a courier.”  
“Well, this is a friend of mine,” he said, casting a cautious look over his shoulder at Nick as the walked.  
“Was she on something?” asked Nick. “You seem insanely jumpy.”  
“I can’t tell you, Sir,” he said, his teeth grinding together hard enough to make his jaw click.  
“Is she hurt?” he asked quietly of the officer.  
He laughed heartily. “No, that little tiger’s perfectly capable of handling herself.”  
“What exactly happened? I heard she got in a fight with a driver for blocking traffic.”  
The two others chuckled dryly. “Not exactly,” said Ellis. Things were getting a little rough with some of the other protestors and the cops started using tear gas on the crowds to… kind of disperse the crowds—“  
“They were holding up traffic for hours,” the officer said defensively.  
“That’s the kind of thing the people are pissed about,” Nick pointed out.  
“Yeah, she mentioned that. Anywho, she got picked up for tossing the cans back at the cops.”  
“Yup, that sounds like her,” said Ellis, while Nick tried to hide his smile. Girl’s got fire.  
They stopped at the last cell on the right, where Natalie was reclined on the cot with her arm over her face, bathed in the sunlight coming in from the barred window.  
“Hey Girl, I got your tox report.” Ellis tapped the folder on the bars.  
“Yeah, whatever, just stick it through the bars,” she grumbled without looking up.  
“I uh… really think you should take a look,” he replied, clearing his throat as he looked at Nick.  
“Unless it’s a pizza, I don’t need it.”  
I’m dying of curiosity. “Dammit Woman, just look!” Nick growled. She lifted her arm and scowled at him.  
“Boy, who do you think you’re talking to?” There’s that usual cocky attitude. He fixed his steely case on hers. “Just read it,” she mumbled, covering her face again.  
“You sure? What about HIPPA—“  
“I’m verbally telling you I don’t care.”  
“Okay,” said Ellis, flipping open the first page. “No drugs or alcohol in your system but, you’re pregnant.”  
“What?!” Nick and Natalie shouted in unison. Nick snatched the file from Ellis while Natalie charged the bars. The officer regarded the two with a wide grin.  
“So I guess it’s safe to assume—“  
“Don’t,” Nick barked. “You didn’t know?”  
She shook her head. “I’m a little late, but that’s not unusual for me.”  
“It’s pretty unlikely anyway,” said Ellis. “She’s still pretty early on. ‘Bout six weeks with these hormone levels. Would account for the extra attitude,” he said playfully. She looked too dazed to hear him.  
That night she told me everything and we got drunk and I forgot—  
“Well, we tend not to keep pregnant girls over the weekend. So if you don’t plan on causing any more trouble, you can go,” he said, unlocking the cell.  
The officer walked back to his post at the far end of the hall, well out of ear shot. Nick stared at Natalie, who couldn’t bring herself to look at him. Ellis stuffed his hands in his pockets. “I think I hear my phone ringing back at the lab. I’ll see you guys later.”  
“You didn’t know?” he whispered, his eyes swimming with tears. He couldn’t process the flood of emotions that were overwhelming him. This explains why she’s been acting all weird.  
She shook her head, clasping both hands over her mouth as she burst into tears. “No! I wouldn’t have… I wouldn’t—“  
He threw his arms around her and picked her up off her feet. Unable to contain his joy, he broke into a fit of laughter and tears. She laughed with him, hugging her arms around his neck. “We’re having a baby!” he cried, his voice echoing around the cold concrete walls. “Oh my God, we’ve got to get you to a doctor! Got— checkups and—“ he said, panting hard. “I gotta—“ he put her down gently.  
“Honey, you’re gonna give yourself a heart attack,” she said.  
He shook the dizziness from his head. “No, I’m good. How— how do you feel? Are you okay? We gotta go to a doctor, you gotta get checked out—“  
“Nick!”  
“Huh?”  
“It’s Saturday.”  
“Right, right,” he said, dropping down onto the floor.  
“What’re you doing here anyway?” she asked, sitting on the floor across from him.  
“I’ve been trying to get ahold of you since Friday morning,” he said. “I realized I was being stupid, how you opened yourself up to me, but I’m too messed up to do the same.” He reached I to his pocket. “And I realized I didn’t want to live without you.” He opened his hand to the shining engagement ring he’d gotten her. She smiled, looking like she was going to start crying again. “I realized that what I really needed wasn’t sympathy. I need empathy. You were the first woman who’s listened to me and didn’t just feel for me; you felt everything I feel. You heard me and you knew you wanted to share my hurt. Take it away, help me carry it at least. Spending one night without you made me feel so cold, I never want to go back.”  
“You ready to tell me, then?” she said, taking his hand.  
He nodded, pulling her into his lap. “I’m ready. You wanna keep me?”  
She laughed and nodded while he slipped the ring on her finger. “We’re so stupid,” she giggled, hugging him tight.  
“I know, we never should’ve taken that break. Promise next time we argue, you just make me sleep in the barn?” She laughed and nodded against his chest.  
“We’re gonna be parents,” she breathed softly.  
Nick’s heart pounded in his chest. “A baby…” He could almost feel his pupils open wide from pure adrenaline and excitement. I’m gonna be a father… This is the mother of my baby… My baby…

#11

Nick waited in the common room, nervously bouncing his leg against the underside of the table. Don’t. Don’t show fear. You’ve planned for this. Remember who you are. You are one of the top law enforcement officers in the country. He should be nervous…  
You heard what he did. Why does she have to have such a terrifying father?  
Maybe don’t tell her she’s pregnant?  
No shit.  
Nick heard a set of keys jingling against the the steel door and he instinctively got to his feet. Rex Gerard was led in by a guard he easily could’ve thrown. He was dressed in a red jumpsuit with his hands cuffed to a chain around his waist. The guards generously allowed him the freedom to walk unhindered, but the officer had a hard time keeping up with Gerard’s long strides.  
He stood head and shoulders over Nick, and his green eyes were cold and calculating; just as intelligent as Natalie’s, but with none of the playfulness. His jet black hair was turning white about the temples, giving him an added level of distinction.  
“Mr. Stokes,” Rex greeted him with a handshake and a slight tip of his head. Nick responded in kind, inwardly grateful he was able to keep his voice from cracking. “To what do I owe the pleasure of you coming so far?” Nick took note of his deep, oaky timbre. Gerard had a voice that vibrated through people, a voice he could feel in his bones. All of Nick’s senses warned him to be very careful.  
The men took a seat at the table, and Nick took a deep breath. “I want to marry your daughter.”  
Rex tipped his head to the side. “Really. And how do you know my daughter?”  
“We were introduced by my predecessor. She is one of the contractors that works with my lab.”  
“How long have you been together?”  
“About eight months.”  
“Not very long. How old are you?”  
“Forty-three.”  
“Ever been married before?”  
“No, Sir.”  
“Kids?”  
“No.”  
“Why not? What’s wrong with you?”  
Nick afforded himself a small grin. “The list of what’s not is shorter.” Rex narrowed his eyes at him. Nick cleared his throat. “I wanted to wait until I found the perfect woman to be with. And soulmates are remarkably hard to come by. I don’t do divorce or the whole ‘baby-daddy’ thing. A want someone forever.”  
“And you were ready to die alone and childless if you didn’t find the right fit?”  
Nick considered this a moment. He hadn’t expected such a question. “I’ve waited this long.”  
“Not the kind of man to knock a girl up then, I suppose?”  
Nick shook his head, though a sharp pang of fear shot through his body. “No, of course not.”  
Rex stared at him for a minute, took a deep breath, and tented his fingers in front of him. “You’re not telling me something. I suggest—“ he growled, leaning forward far enough that Nick could feel the heat of the man’s blood; but he didn’t flinch or retreat, “you be honest with me.”  
Nick swallowed hard, keeping his eyes locked on the lion of a man across from him. What can he do from prison? Just keep going.  
C’mon, you suck at bluffing. Not like you to keep lying after someone calls you out anyway. “She’s carrying my babies.”  
Rex leaned back, a tiny smile playing at the corner of his lips. “There it is. So you’re marrying her ‘cuz you feel like you have to.” Nick shook his head and opened his mouth to speak, but Rex didn’t allow him. “My daughter is the strongest woman I could’ve raised. She doesn’t need you to care for her and my grandbaby.” Nick felt another hot spear through his heart; the pain threatened to choke him. “And getting married doesn’t automatically make you a good father. So what makes you think you deserve her?”  
“I don’t,” he responded simply. Rex sat back and folded his arms over his chest. Nick knew he was posturing, choosing a move that flexed his powerful arm muscles. But he was undeterred. All he could think about was how she made him feel. “I go to bed every night with her in my arms… And I say a little prayer to a god I don’t even think exists, just so I can have someone to thank for the privilege of having her. And when I wake up, I think about ways I can earn a smile from her, a hug… a kiss.” He swallowed back the tears that threatened to spill over. “I think about what I can do today to feel like I’ve earned her.” His eyes flashed. “I’ll never be good enough for her, but she’s the only woman who’s ever made me want to try. I’m a better man now than when we met, and I’m only going to keep getting better.  
And even though me getting her pregnant was a complete accident, it’s the best one I’ve ever had. I thought I peaked when I found my soulmate, but to find out that the woman you love is having your child…” He trailed off and covered his mouth with his hands. Remembering the initial news had him choked up more than Gerard. “I can say without exaggerating that I am the happiest man in the world.”  
Rex watched him for a long moment, carefully studying the man in front of him. “I believe you,” he said warmly. But he didn’t let Nick have too much satisfaction in that. “What would you do if I said ‘no’?”  
Nick’s gaze turned stony and cold. A challenge? “I’ll marry her any way. But I’d much prefer it if you agreed.”  
“Why bother asking, then? Not much I can do about it from prison.”  
Nick tipped his head, his eyes slowly narrowing. “In an odd way… I respect you.”  
Rex laughed through his nose, flashing dangerously fine teeth. “Really? You respect every murderer you meet?”  
“No, Sir. I respect the killer of my girlfriend’s rapist.” Nick leaned forward. “You are a dangerous man when it comes to your daughter… or anyone else’s. And I know I’d be that kind of father.”  
“Don’t be stupid, Son.” Nick looked at him with incredulity. “Every man wants to kill someone who would hurt their little girl. I’m sure you’ve seen it a million times in your life, but if you kill someone, who’s gonna be left to protect your family?”  
“Let the cops handle it.”  
Rex shook his head. “Make sure they never need to be called. Don’t do what I did. You have your head on right,” he pointed at Nick, “but you make damn sure you never leave your wife or kids without your protection.” Nick fixed his stare with a deep-rooted understanding. “Otherwise, you never know what might happen and you’ll lose your cool, end up in prison for life, strangling bad guys to pass the time…” He flashed a crooked smile. “Then some random guy’ll come asking to marry your daughter and you’d be wishing you could be at home with all your guns.”  
Nick chuckled. “In all fairness, you don’t need ‘em to make your point.”  
“Just remember… No one’s unreachable.”  
Nick thought instantly about how the undersheriff of Las Vegas had orchestrated the murder of his fellow officers from prison, leading Nick to question his own place in the world. “Believe me, no one knows better than me.”  
Gerard relaxed and sat back. “Then I don’t see a problem with it.”

#12

“I figure as long as we’re over here, we may as well stop in and introduce you to one of our contractors,” said Nolan, turning off onto a dirt road. “Can’t believe it didn’t occur to me ‘til just now, but I don’t think she’ll mind too much.”  
Nick looked apprehensive. “Should probably still call, though, huh?”  
“Her number’s in the rolodex in my— your office,” he replied. Nick smirked out the window. Goddamn, Old-timer… “Her skills are very… particular. So the lab doesn’t need her very often, and when it does, I rarely need to be involved.”  
“So she’s not exactly on your speed dial.”  
“Not exactly,” he admitted. “But nonetheless, she is extremely valuable to the team.”  
Nick kept his gaze out the window, admiring the general scenery passing by. The trees gradually turned from shallow-rooted pines to ancient oaks and elm. The grass along the edge of the road was a little thicker the farther outside of town they drove. “If she’s so valuable, how come she isn’t called more often?”  
Nolan paused for a few beats. “The things she knows about are… remarkably diverse. She knows something about almost every topic on earth.” Nick turned to look at him.  
“Kind of like Grissom.”  
“Kind of… but she loves to talk. And people love to listen. When she was a part of the team, she successfully convinced almost everyone to diversify their talents as well, encouraged them to explore their side talents and hobbies and apply them to their work.”  
Nick nodded slowly. “Like how artists are good at prepping slides.”  
“Exactly. So when she left, not one person is just a DNA analyst, or just a tool mark expert. If things were slow in prints at night, she could take Ellis and have him help with processing rape kits. Things like that. She made time for everyone to explain things, she gave them reading materials, advised them. She was such an effective teacher that by the time she was ready to leave, productivity had increased by twenty percent across the board and dependence on outside specialists was reduced. Lot of people even started taking night classes at the community college in their spare time.”  
Nick smiled broadly, returning his attention back out the window. “You never stop learning.”  
“People took to calling her mère.”  
“What’s that?”  
“It’s french for ‘mom’.” Nick looked at him with amusement in his eyes. Nolan shrugged. “I guess she didn’t have much of a home life growing up, so she has all this built-up mothering energy. All seventy teammates absolutely love her.”  
“Why doesn’t she still work at the lab? Retired?”  
“In a manner of speaking,” Nolan said in a somewhat breathy tone. Nick interpreted it as fatigue with his questions, so he stopped talking just as the car slowed and turned right into a long driveway. “I should warn you… She’s very… peculiar. She can read people almost instantly. Tends to make people a bit… uncomfortable. Kind of like you’re being scanned. Just be yourself, don’t let her get to you. She’ll likely know more about you than you know about yourself.”  
His only response was a throaty grumble while he fixed his tongue to the roof of his mouth. Then don’t say too much. You know how to older women can be so judgy…  
The gravel driveway ended near a tall white corral fence and the men got out, each donning sunglasses and ball caps. Nick took a deep breath, filling his lungs with the scent of lilac, horses, and fresh grass. His trained senses picked up the faintly fishy scent of freshwater rain from a nearby lake. It smelled nothing like the salty air of the ocean. The midday heat made little work of evaporating whatever water there had been.  
There was a charming two-story farmhouse nearby, surrounded by colorful shrubs and vining plants that snaked their way up the wide porch. Small morning glory blossoms opened wide to catch the sunlight. He could hear the songs of chickadees and humming insects in the trees, coupling with the happy knickers of nearby horses. But above all, he made out the distinct sound of country music carrying on through the air. He took a moment to focus on it. “George Strait,” he said with a warm grin. Nolan smiled at him. Nick snapped his fingers. “Hang on, I know this… Fool Hearted Memory.”  
Nolan chuckled, clapping him on his shoulder. “You two are gonna get along just fine. C’mon, sounds like it’s coming from the barn.” They walked behind the house to the big stable, and the sound of music and periodic thumping grew louder.  
A woman appeared in the door of the loft high above the ground. She was throwing heavy bales of hay to the ground, where she had a working ATV fitted with a small trailer.  
“Miss Gerard!” Nolan called up to her. Nick looked at him in shock. No way… She stopped, resting her hands on the frame above the door. She was a beautiful woman in her mid- thirties with wavy auburn hair tied back in a loose ponytail. She was dressed in work boots, jeans, a tight-fitting white tank-top.  
“Nolan,” she said with a tip of her head. “I must’ve missed your call.” Her tone was friendly, but with a frosty edge.  
“Sorry to intrude,” he said. “We were in the neighborhood, thought I’d introduce you to the new lab director.”  
She straightened up, backing into the shadows a bit. “It’s rude to speak on different levels, Nolan.” He sighed and looked at Nick, tipping his head toward the barn door. Nick followed close behind, a sudden wave of nervous energy starting to invade his system. “And I prefer to see your eyes,” she called. They doffed their sunglasses and tucked them away in their shirts.  
“Better the hats, too,” Nolan mumbled, and Nick took off his baseball cap, wrapping his fist tightly around it and raking another hand through his short hair. “Something about hiding things, I dunno. She’s a strange one.”  
The barn was cozy and well-maintained, with a large open space in the middle and ten individual stalls around the sides. The massive back door was wide open, allowing fresh air and birds to flutter in through the rafters. Nolan nudged Nick and gestured for him to follow up the stairs to the hay loft.  
She was wiping of her neck and arms with a damp towel and regarded the two men with a warm smile. Nick held out his hand, palm up, in a friendly greeting. “Nick Stokes.”  
She stepped close and closed her fingers around his wrist, pressing her own into his hand. “Natalie Gerard.” He could feel the pulse in her veins; steady and strong against his fingertips. He sensed that she was gathering her own information about him, and he was suddenly terrified she could tell he was already taken in by her. He’d completely expected a woman with her reputation to be much older and much less physically appealing. Though he stood a head taller, he was intimidated by her, and he wanted to make a good first impression.  
Her eyes were bright and intelligent, and the loveliest shade of green. She had a warm and inviting demeanor, though she had an aura of wisdom and danger that made him think of a tigress. She had a medium build; strong and fit in all the important areas and soft and curvy everywhere else. Her wide, flaring hips and pink, pouty lips especially had his blood rushing from his head.  
She released his hand, stroking her fingers along his palm as she did so. “Short, clean nails. Conditioned skin. I like a man that cares about his hands. Calluses near the ends of the metacarpals. I’d say you either like kayaking or weights.”  
He had to admit, he was impressed. “Little of both.”  
“Ah.” She tipped her chin up at Nolan. “People do not usually talk business at people’s homes, though. Home is for relaxing. The lab is for business.”  
Nolan splayed his hands. “Now you’re Emily Post?”  
“An admirer.”  
“This is a social visit.”  
“I have horses to feed.”  
“If you wouldn’t mind the company, then,” said Nick, “is there anything I can help you with? As we’ve intruded on you without calling first, it would seem only fair.” He couldn’t imagine a situation where it would be polite to stand around talking while she was the only one working on chores. And he understood why she’d want to speak eye-to-eye in the first place. Natalie cocked her jaw, clearly not expecting him to have his own set of manners. Nolan stifled a smirk.  
“Actually, I’m just finishing up here, but I may take a raincheck,” she said with a lighter, teasing tone.  
Nick beamed and clasped his hands behind his back. “Yes, Ma’am.”  
She smiled back and gestured for them to follow her back to the house. “The horses’ll last a couple hours. As long as you guys are here, may as well feed ya.”  
“Oh we don’t have to—“ Nolan started.  
“—Not a question,” Natalie cut in. Nick cast him a sidelong grin while shaking his head. She is definitely the Queen of her own house. Canadian women and Southern women are so alike with their manners. They’ll be polite whether you want them to or not… “It’s not much, but I finished smokin’ a brisket this morning. I can pop some in the microwave and make a couple sandwiches.”  
“That’s more than plenty, Miss Gerard,” said Nick as they entered the house. He had enough sense to take off his shoes by the door, leaving his hat and sunglasses on top. He mentally thanked his mother for drilling into his head a healthy sense of politeness. Nolan followed his cue. “Call me Natalie.”  
Her home was as bright and airy as he’d expected, with lovely natural colors and potted plants arranged on the windowsills. Every window was open, and gossamer white curtains danced in the cross-breeze. The ancient wood floors had been refinished many times, and showed the wear of countless feet. He got the sense that she was much more casual than she let on, but that she loved to test peoples’ characters.  
“You have a wonderful home,” Nick said sincerely. “And a beautiful property. Your horses sounded really happy out there.”  
“Thank you,” she said as Nolan took a seat at the dining table, perfectly happy to observe their exchange. She handed the two a glass of lemonade. She paused as he took a sip, as though waiting for him to add something.  
“Hmm?” he chuckled.  
She shook her head with a chipper laugh of her own. “Nothin’… You’re just the first stranger who hasn’t asked me how many acres or horses I have.”  
“Not a thing one rancher asks another,” he said over the rim of his glass. “Kinda like asking someone how much money they got in their pocket or what kinda car they drive.”  
“Fair enough,” she said. “Now Nick… Help me out. You don’t sound like you’re from Nevada.”  
“No?” he replied with a sly grin that crinkled the corners of his mouth. She turned her back to him while she got a few plates from the cupboard.  
“No, your voice definitely has more of a… Texan flavor to it.” The men exchanged a look of surprise and amusement.  
“Flavor?”  
“Hmm… Not as brassy as in Louisiana or Missouri, not as thick as in Oklahoma, but not a hint of Spanish inflection like in New Mexico. And people in Nevada sound almost… comically southern.”  
“Muy bien,” he praised. “En realidad, soy de Dallas. Y tu? Nolan dice que eres de Canada.”  
Natalie turned, looking positively delighted. “Very nice, Mr. Stokes. Very smooth delivery. And yes, I’m from Thunder Bay in Manitoba.”  
“Where’s that?”  
“Thunder Bay is right across Lake Superior in Michigan.”  
“How’d you end up here?” he asked. “Gotta be quite the change.”  
“Oh for sure,” she said, setting the table. Only when she sat down did Nick finally take a seat across from her. “Seems like the coldest days here are a summer dream up there. You’d think after sixteen years, I’d be used to it. But hey.”  
“How’d you guess my accent so well?”  
“I’m a forensic linguist,” she said. “Blame seven years of band class for that.”  
“Natalie’s very sensitive to the sounds, pitch, the words people use, syntax, things like that,” Nolan explained.  
Natalie nodded. “Right, but I’ve also got a background in graphology.”  
“Handwriting analysis.”  
“Yup. Picked that up from calligraphy class. Kind of my favorite hobby. People ask me to write their anniversary notices or wedding invitations, things like that.”  
“She started off as a coroner’s assistant when she was sixteen, though. Thought she was gonna take the biologist route,” added Nolan.  
“Well, I started feeling cooped up,” she said. “I really liked watching interrogations, so I started taking classes in sociology, psychology, that kind of deal.”  
“Didn’t have much of a home-life, then? To make you feel less cooped up?” he asked cautiously.  
She shrugged. “Nope. Pretty much the time I was born I’ve been keeping myself busy. Even graduated high school when I was sixteen ‘cuz I was taking summer school and night classes.”  
Nick tipped his head, his eyes narrowing a little. There’s gotta be a reason for that. People that throw themselves into work or school are trying to avoid going home…  
“Got herself in trouble a time or two for being just a little too empathetic.”  
Natalie frowned at him, earning a warm smile from Nick. He reached across the table and lightly gripped her wrist. “If it makes you feel any better, I got that same speech a billion times myself. Passed up a couple promotions ‘cuz of it.”  
Her smile reached her eyes. “I got that feeling from you.”  
“Can I ask you why you quit?”  
He felt an icy stare from Nolan, and Natalie’s tongue traced along her top teeth. “Not this time, Honey.”  
Nick sat back, stunned by the sensation the familiar term caused his body. He felt a spark of electricity race out from his chest and down his arms, making the hairs stand out along his skin. He had to stifle a groan. He cleared his throat against it and gestured to Nolan. “Can I ask him?”  
“It’s not the kind of thing we talk about after just meeting. I mean, you don’t want me diggin’ around your closet, do ya?” He shook his head. She’s good.  
C’mon, anyone who’s been at this twenty years has a few demons they’d rather keep buried.  
“How ‘bout this,” she said, collecting their empty plates. “You go back and read up on me all you want. I’m sure my personnel file is still in a file cabinet somewhere.” Nolan nodded his affirmation. “If you’re curious. And if you still want to talk to me, you know where to find me.”  
Nick and Nolan gathered up their things and made for the car. They said their thanks for the meal, though Nick wasn’t quite ready to say goodbye. “You’re gonna give me homework?” he asked teasingly.  
She shrugged, stepping close to him. “I don’t expect you to be that curious.”  
“Hmm. Well, in all honesty, thank you for the brisket.”  
“Microwaved,” she said with a chuckle.  
“Still,” he said, lowering his voice so Nolan couldn’t hear inside the car. “It reminds me of home. I can’t tell you how many take-out menus are on my coffee table.”  
She folded her arms, a playfulness lighting up her eyes. “What, you can’t feed yourself?”  
“I can, but if it’s just me, after a while, I think… what’s the point?”  
“I dunno… Self-care?”  
“Well, when you bury yourself in work, you tend to neglect yourself at home.”  
“Well, you’re welcome here any time.” She raised a warning finger. “Just know: I’m not one of those ‘barefoot in the kitchen’ girls. You’re gonna have to cook for me once or twice.”  
Nick chuckled. “Yes, Ma’am.”  
“I assume you root for the Cowboys on Sundays?” His smile deepened the lines around his eyes. “As luck would have it, they’re playing Green Bay this weekend. Maybe you come by and watch ‘em kick your boys’ asses, huh?”  
He laughed wholeheartedly. “We’ll see. Beer?”  
“Whiskey,” she said. A heat filled her gaze that even a boy could’ve recognized. “Bourbon with an apple cider chaser.” Oh my God… Inside of her mouth’s gonna taste like apple pie…  
Get your shit together, Dude.  
“Hang on. You’re assuming I don’t have a girlfriend who might have a problem with that?”  
She smirked. “Your pupils are blown wide open in broad daylight,” she whispered. “I think it’s a pretty safe bet.”  
“Fair ‘nough.”

#13

“Kick-off isn’t for another… twenty-five hours, Texas. And you didn’t call again.”  
“I have payment for that,” he said, holding up two bottles of fine bourbon whiskey. “And I have a reason for not calling, just please don’t be angry.”  
“What?”  
He sighed. “Honestly, I wanted to know about how you killed a guy and I didn’t want you to have the chance to make something up.”  
She stared at him for a long moment before sitting down on the grass, her back against the fence. “You poor thing. Who hurt you?”  
He smiled wryly and sat next to her, passing her a bottle. “Lots of things over lots of years.”  
“I don’t lie about things you can check out for yourself.”  
“Police reports aren’t super detailed, now spill.”  
“Just to be clear, you think you might want to be in a relationship with me?”  
“You’re blunt as a spoon,” he said through a chuckle. At her serious expression, his tone changed. “Yes. I think there’s a few things we should talk about first. You should probably know some things about me, too.”  
“So you’re not doing the casual thing any more?”  
He felt a cold shiver race down his spine. “No. Scary as it is, and as much as I don’t want to, this is important to get out of the way. This isn’t something we can just sweep under the rug… And I think the earlier the better. Can we agree?”  
“There’s a bargain,” she said, nudging him with her shoulder and cracking the seal on the bottle. “I’ll tell you, but then you tell me something dark about you. All the dirty details. The things that wake you up at night, something that makes you dread sleep.”  
Nick grit his teeth, opening his bottle. You’ve been asked this by a hundred women before.  
He’s right. What about Warrick? When he died all we thought about were all the pain he hid from us; the lies, the divorce, the baby he had…  
When you die, do you want there to be a bunch of secrets you kept hidden? Pain you refused to share with someone who could understand how you felt? Not just listen, but really feel how you feel?  
You can do this. Equal ground, equal start. “Deal,” he replied, tapping his bottle against hers, and they both took a deep drink. “Gimme the long story.”  
“Okay umm… I was really close to my crew, been with them since I was a kid, so we were like siblings. One of the boys—I won’t say who— was going through this really awful divorce from his wife, and their four-year-old daughter was involved.” She sighed heavily, and Nick felt an aura of deep pain from her. “She spent a lot of time in the lab, ‘cuz sometimes her mother would just… drop her off, change plans without telling the dad, that kind of thing. Really she had an attitude that she was more of a burden than a little girl. But we didn’t mind; most of the time we’d take her to a scene—after the coroner left, of course— give her a camera and let her take her own pictures.  
She was so sweet.” Natalie began to choke up, and Nick could tell she was fighting it as she closed her eye and took another drink. “She had… she was epileptic.” Nick shook his head in pity. “Once a week usually… Her mom didn’t want to deal with the stress… Said going to the doctor all the time was getting expensive. Dad paid all the bills, but she still made it an issue. She started dating this… really shady dude. I dunno how they met or what their deal was, but I always got a real bad vibe around him. But he said he loved the little girl and he was gonna step up and help take care of her.  
Out of nowhere, mom starts cutting off visitations with the dad, all while their divorce is still going on. At some point, Dad decides to take her to court to sue for visitation. She won’t let the daughter go anywhere and eventually the cops have to get involved. I happened to be leaving a testimony and I see all this and I say to her, ‘Hey, how about I show you what a microscope does. It can take pictures of things you can’t see.’ You should’ve seen her face,” she whispered with a heartbroken smile. Tears rimmed her eyes and threatened to spill. Nick felt a cruel sensation like hot barbed wire coiling around his heart.  
Mom agrees, I take her to the lab and I decide to do a mouth swab, since it’s so easy. So I run the swab on the slide and…” She turned her face away as hot tears began to stream down her cheeks. “And there was semen in her mouth.”  
Nick groaned bitterly, burying his face in his hands. “Nooo…” Without a second thought, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her in against his body. “So that’s what it was. You snapped?”  
She shook her head. “Not at first. I was incredibly pissed, for sure. But I knew I couldn’t just go after the guy. So as hard as it was, I went right back to the court with what I found. I tried to tell the judge he couldn’t allow her to go back with her mother until an investigation could be made into the boyfriend. He wasn’t in the system, so I needed to get a sample of his DNA to exclude him. But I knew. But since the evidence against him was collected without a warrant—“  
“—The judge threw it out,” Nick said through barred teeth.  
She nodded against his chest. “They let him go, and they let the mom take the girl home. I gave her my phone number and I said to call Auntie Naddie if she ever feels scared and help will come.” She paused to take a fourth drink of whiskey. Nick watched, becoming a bit concerned. She’s kind of small, Dude. Can’t be more than one-forty. Best dial it back some.  
I think she’s finishing up. Just let her go.  
“Couple days later, I get a call and it’s her, and she’s whispering in the phone that this guy is making it so her mommy can’t breathe and she’s really scared. So I raced over there myself… But by the time I got there…” She started to sob, curling more into Nick’s lap and grabbing handfuls of his shirt.  
“He strangled her, too.” She nodded, and he rested his head on hers. “And then you beat him to death.”  
“I called the cops on myself because I didn’t want to make more work for my team,” she said, wiping away her tears on her hands. “I should’ve called before, but I thought if I sent the cops over there, they’d only make things worse. They’re not the best deliberators, you know?” Nick smirked dryly. “I thought if I went, I could talk him down… Get her away. But I failed. The last thing going through this little girl’s mind was ‘where’s Naddie?’ And that’s what kills me.”  
“I don’t think so,” he said softly. “I have to imagine she kept thinking, ‘Naddie’s coming.’ She knew you cared so much that you’d be there as fast as you could, or she wouldn’t have called you.” Natalie hummed in her throat.  
“I hope so,” she mumbled.  
“I can’t say I wouldn’t have done the same thing. I’d rather stand in front of a judge and explain why I did what I did, than explain to a child or a mother why I did nothing.”  
Natalie let out a deep, contented sigh. “That was my thinking.” She chuckled warmly, touched her hand to his jaw, and kissed his cheek. “Then they took away my license ‘cuz ‘shouldn’t have been driving anyways,” she slurred. “Put me on probation, ‘cuz they said PTSD made me do it.”  
“Those four double shots starting to kick in?” he asked, feeling the warm lightheadedness of the strong alcohol himself.  
“Lil’ bit. C’mon,” she said, getting to her feet. “Your turn.”  
Nick joined her, keeping his arms wrapped around her waist, if only to anchor himself from stumbling. “Later, I think. I have a story that’s kinda like that.” The two strolled back to the house, beginning to trip on their own feet. “Wanted to kill someone out of revenge… almost let my hatred take over.”  
“So you’re not gonna bail on me?”  
“Why would I do that?” Nick asked, shaking his head and scolding himself immediately for doing it.  
“Boys don’t like when their girlfriends beat someone to death.”  
Nick’s heart skipped a beat, and for a moment, he felt stone-cold sober. Girlfriend? The thought didn’t bother him as much as he thought, so he let it go. Kind of soon… But why doesn’t that bother me? “You were in pain. We all do things we shouldn’t when we’re in pain.”  
Natalie sauntered through the house, Nick following close behind with his hand on her hip. He put the open bottles on the counter and went with her past the living room. “We should lie down,” she said quietly, casting a heated look over her shoulder.  
“We’re drunk. I can’t… you know. And it wouldn’t be right.”  
“I didn’t say ‘have sex’, Nick.” He felt his face flush red. “I’m entirely too bummed out right now. Just come lay down with me.”  
He smiled and nodded in agreement, following her upstairs to her bedroom. “I have a few more questions for ya, but I think that’s enough for one day.”  
“I agree, Honey,” she sighed, bending over a bit unsteadily to pull off her socks. Nick took note of the darker blue colors of the walls and the stack of books on the nightstand, but his attention was quickly stolen as Natalie peeled off her shirt and jeans and tossed them on the floor. He was stunned into silence as she sauntered around the room in her black lace bra and panties, closing curtains as she went.  
Nick could almost feel his pupils widen from arousal. “What’re you…” he started, but he trailed off, distracted by the sway of her hips. “Jesus…” God, she couldn’t be more hot. Sun-kissed skin, powerful, long legs, shapely backside, breasts to match. How is she balancing on her toes? God, she has the cutest toes… Is that glittery pink nail polish?  
“This is how I nap,” she slurred, tousling her hair as she climbed into bed. “You act like you sleep with your socks an’ shoes on. C’mon,” she prompted, lying back in the pile of pillows. “You shy or somethin’?”  
He smirked at the challenge and pulled his shirt off over his head, making a bit of a show of stretching his ab muscles. “Best keep the pants on,” he said quietly, winking playfully before climbing into bed with her.  
She hummed happily, melting against his body. “You are a beautiful man, Nick Stokes.”  
He sighed, spooning himself against her back. “And you’re a beautiful woman, Natalie Gerard.”  
“How’d you get all those scars?” she asked.  
“I told you. Lot of years, lots of ways.”  
“Mr. Rogers says there isn’t anyone you can’t learn to love once you’ve heard their story,” she said through a yawn. “Do you believe that?”  
“I have to,” he replied. “We all have to. It’s what keeps us coming back to work. Now go to sleep.”  
“Can’t, you’re poking me,” she giggled, rolling her hips back against his swollen groin.  
He coiled his arm tightly around her belly. “Fucking Christ,” he groaned into her ear. Soooo soft! “We agreed.”  
“You agreed,” she teased. “You said you can’t, but someone thinks you can.”  
Goddamn, Woman! You’re gonna have to spell it out for her drunk ass… He pressed his lips against her ear, keeping his voice a low, meaningful rumble. “I can have sex when I’m drunk, but I can’t… finish.”  
She tipped her head back a bit to look at him. “So you just—“  
“Stay hard for hours? Ya. It gets kinda painful. Now hold still and go to sleep.”  
“You have to tell me one of your stories first,” she protested through a yawn.  
“I will later, I promise.”  
Nick buried his face in her hair, relishing in the sensation of warm female skin on his body, the scent of her filling his lungs and branding itself on his mind. He resisted the incredible urge to let his hands roam, to feel her and taste her everywhere. “Nick?”  
“Hmm?”  
“Thank you… for listening.”  
“No problem.”  
“Really,” she said, moving her feet to stroke his. “No one cares to try to understand how I feel. It feels pretty good to tell someone.” The smallest smile played at the corner of his mouth.  
“The world is a dark place until we have someone to hold,” he whispered, more to himself than to her. “And to be held by.” It was something Grissom had muttered once or twice, and one of a million things that never really sank in until years later.  
“Hmm?” she said sleepily.  
“Anytime,” he whispered, hugging her tighter. “Now sleep, Woman.”

#14

“Knowing all this… How fucked up we both are… What is it you want? You have to be sure, whatever you decide. Dammit, Nick! What do you want?!” she shouted.  
“I don’t want to lose you!” he yelled back, slamming his glass on the counter. It exploded in countless pieces as tears streamed down his face. “I can’t lose you like I lost Warrick. I’ve lost Kristie, I’ve lost Julie. I’ve almost lost Catherine, and Sara, and Greg. I’m not strong enough to lose the only woman I’ve ever loved more than any of them.” He gripped the counter, visibly shaking from the internal conflict. “But now that I’ve had you… Seen what life is like with you… I can’t ever leave you. I can’t.” His fingertips clawed at the counter, muscles flexing hard with an enormous rush of hormones and pure adrenaline.  
“What do you want to do, Nick?” she pressed softly.  
He wheeled on her suddenly, burying one hand in her hair as he herded her body against the cupboards, his mouth claiming hers. “I want to protect…” he breathed between fiery kisses. “I need someone to fight for… To guard… Give me a purpose… I want to risk it…”  
“Nick—“  
“Shh… Just…” he growled. “Bed.”  
“You’ve been drinking,” she chided timidly as he took her by the hand and led her upstairs.  
“I’m not drunk. I know what I want, I know what you want.” He stopped in the hall, pinning her arms over her head. “Life has taken way too much from both of us. And I think it’s time… We make something for ourselves.” His smoky stare spoke volumes to her and for once, he didn’t need to explain himself.  
All she had to do was nod and he was on her, picking her up and throwing the both of them into bed. He made little work of divesting them of all their clothes.  
“Ranger in the pasture?” he purred into her neck as she coiled her limbs around him. He felt her stomach muscles flex against his as his length pressed along her inner thigh. Fuck, she’s already so wet…  
“Yeah, why?” she panted.  
“Earthquake bag?”  
“Under the bed. Nick, why?”  
A wickedness flashed in his eyes as he lined himself up with her. “Cuz we’re not leaving for a couple days.” He rolled his hips forward, relishing the pleasure of her tight muscles gripping his unprotected shaft.  
“Nick!” she cried, arching her back. Her walls squeezed him, making him dizzy with ravenous lust. Fuck, this is so— “God, sooo good!” He bottomed out, stretching and filling her nearly to the base before she writhed under him. “God, you’re too hard…”  
I can feel her heartbeat… Every ridge… And Christ! This is so different than condom lubricant… He could feel her body adjusting to accommodate his girth, and the combination of everything made it difficult to form a coherent sentence. “You can take it,” he breathed, thrusting into her again.  
“Nick!” Her nails raked his arms while his hands found purchase on her hip and in her hair. He watched her expression turn to one of pain to blissed-out, intense pleasure.  
“There you go,” he growled, picking up his pace.

Natalie comes in to town every Friday to watch the ball game—> takes herself out for dinner and catches an MMA fight—> offers to take Nick along, he buys dinner—> Natalie’s father was an MMA fighter before he retired, invested in the arena—> gave assets to Natalie before deciding to kill her rapist

Natalie specialized in hair and fibers, enjoys micro photography—> friends with her neighbor—> doesn’t like friend’s husband(a cop)—> she watches the girl one day—> shows her how a microscope works—> finds sperm in girl’s mouth—> DNA doesn’t match the girl’s—> she brings it to the lab and discovers it IS the husband’s, but he ISN’T the girl’s father—> this visibly upsets him, making the officers suspicious of him—> she brings this up with the detectives, they have to throw out the evidence since it was obtained without a warrant, but decide to open an investigation due to probable cause—> he is released on bond until the investigation is complete—> Natalie objects, but is denied—> Natalie gives the girl a cell phone to use in case of an emergency—> dad attacks, girl calls 911 but gets cut off by dad—> she accidentally dials Natalie’s speed dial number, she immediately knows something’s wrong—> she rushes next door—> Natalie gets there, but is too late to save anyone—> dad strangles both mom and girl—> Natalie kills him in a fit of rage

#15

Nick felt right at home at the bar; dressed in a fine navy shirt and well-tailored slacks, whiskey neat in hand, he fit right in to the scene. Nearly two decades of living in Vegas had him well-trained of how to act and what to expect. As it was a fighting event, women were few and far between, more likely brought along by their spouses and, occasionally, a working girl standing quietly by as their Johns traded obnoxious banter.  
The noise in the hotel bar had his senses on overdrive. He could hear the rowdy laughter and frustrated growls of testosterone-fueled men in the lobby, jingling of chains and tapping of weekend shoes. Somewhere on the other side of the room, a glass broke.  
Nick could smell a hundred kinds of perfumes and cologne, his keen mind differentiating the knock-off from the genuine. Nolan checked his watch and nudged Nick with his elbow. “Bell’s in about half an hour,” he said a little over the noise. “I’m goin’ outside for a smoke, you wanna join me?”  
Nick held up his hand. “Naw, I don’t smoke. Have at it.” Nolan got up from his stool and walked outside, heading a bit down the street and away from the crowd. Nick downed his drink; not yet diluted by the ice, it bit the back of his throat and made him grimace before the warm, oaky taste heated his insides.  
Suddenly, the people nearest to him and clear to the door fell silent as a gorgeous woman walked in from the lobby. She was tall and fit, her sweeping feminine curves hugged tight by a white cocktail dress. The halter top drew attention to her bosom without being vulgar, and the hem was cut a few inches above the knee, showing off her long, but powerful legs. She had long, wavy auburn hair that framed her beautiful face and made her green eyes seem to flash in the ambient light. She walked on three inch heels with an air of confidence that eclipsed every other female in the room.  
Nick could sense the hunger in every other man who saw her. She smiled brightly as she walked around, trying to find a seat. Her eyes fell on Nick at the bar and he felt his heart throb painfully in his chest as she approached.  
“Hi,” she said. God, she sounds as good as she looks… “This seat taken?” Nick thought about Nolan’s spot on his right, and barely registered the seat to his left had been empty for a while. He found his throat was suddenly dry, and at the risk of his voice cracking, he shook his head and gestured for her to take the seat. “Thanks,” she said, leaning in close so that he could hear as the noise level returned to what it was. “The guys in the lobby are gettin’ kinda rowdy, so I figured I’d be better off in here. One of ‘em’s been following me… Can’t seem to take a hint.”  
Nick nodded and rested his arms on the counter. So she just needs a guy to protect her? “Can I get you a drink?” he offered as the bartender took his empty glass.  
She shook her head, a light of playfulness dancing in her emerald eyes. “No thanks, Honey, I can pay for myself.” His heart sank a fraction, but he wasn’t offended. She grasped his wrist and leaned in close enough for him to feel her warm breath on his ear. “If I can make a suggestion, though?” He nodded, tightening his thighs on his swelling groin. C’mon, you’re not some kid. Get your shit together! “Order the Gillette.”  
“What’s that?” he asked.  
“Two Gillettes, Alex,” she told the bartender. The young man nodded and set about making the cocktails. “Something I wanted a couple years ago,” she explained to Nick.  
“Wouldn’t stop pestering us about it,” Alex grumbled with a sarcastic grin. “Not something we Californians appreciate.”  
“And it’s a damn shame,” she bit back. “Hot apple cider and bourbon.” Suddenly, a muscle-bound man of about twenty approached them from the lobby, wearing a painted-on t-shirt and cargo shorts. He placed himself a little too close to the woman’s left, and Nick noticed her visibly bristle.  
“Hey there, Baby Girl. I lost track of ya for a bit.”  
“Not long enough,” she said through grit teeth as Alex slid her an amber-colored cocktail.  
“‘Sup, Pops?” he said with a chin-jut toward Nick.  
Nick scowled darkly, baring his teeth. He didn’t see the sense in defending himself against such a weak verbal attack. “The girl said get lost, Dude.” She sensed his anger and touched the inside of his wrist, making a warm, distracting shiver race down his spine.  
“Need security?” The big guy frowned at him.  
“For what? I’m just having a conversation with a pretty girl.”  
Nick took a deep breath, getting ready to take charge of things. The newcomer stood head and shoulders over him, but Nick was nothing if not protective. Alex placed a similar drink in front of him, keeping his eyes fixed on the intruder.  
“That won’t be necessary,” she replied. What?!  
“What’s the big deal, Honey?” he purred behind her. “You come in her lookin’ like you do, walkin’ around tons of guys, all alone. You had to be wanting my kind of attention.”  
“You’re right!” she exclaimed, her voice dripping with sarcasm. “It couldn’t be that I wanted to watch a good fight, and I work really hard and wanted to get out and enjoy myself.”  
“You don’t need an excuse,” Nick said flatly.  
“Thank you. And I don’t need an escort with me everywhere I go.”  
“I’m jus’ sayin’, hangin’ out with me for the night won’t be so bad.”  
“I’m not so sure,” she said, taking a sip of her drink.  
“How do you know, Baby Girl?” he said, moving entirely too close. Nick could hear the slow intake of breath as the creep smelled her hair.  
“You’re gonna want to stop calling me things.” Nick’s blood was beginning to heat, flooded with fresh testosterone. Kick this kid’s ass, Nick! “Besides.” She looked the guy up and down and shrugged. “I know. You’ve clearly been drinking a lot, and there’s no way you’re a day over twenty-one. I just don’t want to engage.”  
His blue eyes widened. “I’m thirty-five.”  
She scoffed, glancing at Nick. “Oh please! If you’re thirty-five, I’m George Strait!”  
“Who?”  
Nick felt barking laughter in his chest. To stop himself, he buried his face in his hands. “Oh God, that physically hurts,” she said, raking a hand through her hair. I’m with you, Woman…  
“Whatever,” the guy muttered, slipping a hand around her waist. “Let’s just pick up where we left off.”  
“I don’t think we should.”  
“Aren’t there other girls around for you to annoy?”  
He ignored Nick. “I was sayin’ how we should put these,” he rumbled lowly, sliding his hand dangerously down her thigh, “these baby-makin’ hips to work.”  
Nick stood up, ready to take a swing, but before he could, she beat him to it. With her left hand, she ratcheted the man’s wrist against its pivot point, hoisting his arm behind his back and over his head, forcing his face down against the bar with a loud BANG! Glasses on all sides of he counter shook and clattered with the impact. “I told you twice not to touch me,” she said calmly, pushing his shoulder down against the bar as he tried to wriggle free. “I warned you I know Aikido. And what did you say?” She took her drink in hand and smiled at Nick, who was still too amused to do much. “You said somethin’ about TaeBo.”  
“Man, all you had to say was I wasn’t your type!” he growled in pain.  
“I did, but God gave you two heads and only enough blood to work one at a time.” Nick chuckled and took a drink. I mean… “I told you you come on too strong, that you’re too much, and that’s when you took off. I’m not into barely-adult dudes that live at the gym and never open a book.”  
Alex waved over a security guard, who dragged the guy back to his feet and hauled him outside. “That was impressive,” said Nick, smiling broadly. “I gotta buy you a drink.”  
“Tell you what,” she said, clinking her glass against his. “You can hang out with me tonight.” Nick’s eyes widened as he tipped his head. Really? “I kinda like your company.”  
“I haven’t said much of anything,” he said. “I’m Nick, by the way.” He offered her his hand.  
She shook it, her smile reaching her eyes. “Natalie Gillette.”  
“Natalie.” Her name felt so right on his tongue. “I’m actually here with um… A coworker of mine.” Goddamn disappointing, too.  
She sat up, her eyes moving to a spot behind him. “Nolan, right?”  
Nick turned as Nolan took his seat next to him again, smelling of cigarettes and mint. “Who’s your— Oh hi, Gillette!” he exclaimed. “You’re a vision tonight.”  
She smiled and shook his hand. “Brian.”  
“I see you’ve met the new Lab Director.”  
“Nick Stokes,” she affirmed. Nick fixed his gaze on her. “He’s had his eyes on you for years,” she said. His eyes narrowed.  
“I’m uh… I’m a little confused…”  
“Gillette used to work at the lab,” said Nolan.  
“Used to,” she said with meaning, biting her lower lip as Nick’s gaze burrowed into her. A damn kid could recognize the mutual attraction…  
Everyone but Nolan…  
“She was the night shift lead for about ten years. Was with us since she was… Oh how long was it?”  
“Since I was sixteen.”  
“How is that possible?” Nick asked. “Most people don’t get their degree until they’re twenty-two and no one gets a job at sixteen around a lab.”  
“I graduated high school early,” she explained. “Worked as a coroner’s assistant while I was in college. Got my degree at twenty. Got a good, solid background in biology that way. Fell in love with microscopy, and that led to hair and fiber analysis.”  
“Really? That’s my specialty, too.” It was hard for him to hide his excitement, as his heart was bound to beat right out of his chest.  
The sound of a ring bell echoed through the hotel lobby and people started filing out of the bar. Nick held out his hand to help her off her barstool. “We’ll have to catch up later,” she said quietly before evaporating into the crowd.  
Nick felt a stabbing pain in his chest and realized he’d stopped breathing for a while. “Taken with her, are ya?” Nolan asked, checking him in the ribs with his elbow.  
“She’s…” Literally breathtaking? Brave? Intelligent? Confident? Cocky? “She’s…”  
“So that’s a ‘yes’,” Nolan chuckled. Nick grumbled his affirmation in his throat.  
“The fight. Time for the fight.”

#16

“Dance with me,” he whispered. She stared at him for a long moment before slipping her hand into his. He led her onto the floor, settling his other arm around her waist and threading his fingers through hers. The warm, dulcet sounds of a steel guitar filled the room. Natalie’s eyes shone bright in the ambient light, and he could’ve sworn his heart stopped for a full minute. It was like the entire night had been created for them.  
You’ll be the first thing  
I need tomorrow…  
And the last thing  
I needed tonight…  
Each step brought them a little closer, until she rested her head on his chest. Nick closed his eyes, letting himself fall into the sensation of her body on his again. “Honey, I should tell you. I’ve missed you.”  
“And that’s weird for you?”  
“Yeah.”

#17

“What brings you by, Nick?”  
“Well, I thought we could discuss your um… your contract.”  
“Oh yeah?” she asked, hefting the saddle off her horse. “That’s funny, because Nolan just called me this morning and said you’d already approved my retainer.” Nick’s eyes widened just as she looked over her shoulder at him. “Ahh, you did, didn’t you?”  
He glanced down and coughed nervously. “Well, yes… But there’s something I’m kind of hung up on…”  
“How I killed that guy,” she said flatly, putting the saddle away on the rack. “Funny… That tends to hang up a lot of guys.” She sighed heavily, picking up a slicker brush from the bench. “What else do you need to know? I’ve already agreed to Nolan’s terms; I don’t get to put my name on any case files, I don’t appear as an expert witness… Basically no one but me and the team know I help out sometimes.” She set to slicking the sweat foam from her horse’s withers. Nick stood up and went around the other side with another brush. “And honestly, that’s like… never. So in all likelihood, you’ll never see me again. So what’s still bothering you?”  
He paused, locking his eyes on her, trying to find the right words. “If I’m being honest… I really just needed a reason to see you again,” he said slowly, fighting the flood of nerves in his body.  
“Could just ask,” she said with a shrug.  
“This wasn’t… very easy for me,” he started. “There’s something about you that’s different than the girls I’m… usually attracted to.” Her gaze softened a little, but the anxiety in his chest didn’t fade. “I wanted to ask you out...”  
“But?”  
“But… I don’t usually go for girls with skeletons in their closet,” he said cautiously, still holding her gaze intently and trying to choose his words carefully. “And… I have to assume that whatever you did, the guy had it coming, since you didn’t spend a single minute behind bars…”  
“So what makes you think I have skeletons?”  
He took a deep breath and leaned forward. “People who’ve been in this job as long as us have demons… Things that we’d rather pretend weren’t there but that just… never go away. But we muddle through and we cope the best we can.” He noticed her jaw muscle tense. She knows… “Something happened that made you snap. And I just wanted to know… What was it? What’s your breaking point?”  
She sighed, looking down at what she was doing. “Well, like you said, some things… We’d rather just pretend aren’t there. And people like us… We’ve got a whole damn cemetery in our closet, right?” she asked, looking up at him. He nodded slowly. “What do you want now? What do you expect from me?”  
“Well, I’m thinking… We have a couple really strong drinks and we… bring those things out in the open for once.”  
She smiled warmly, easing his nerves enough that he could catch his breath. “Why? You haven’t with these other girls, right?” He shook his head.  
“I’ve had enough time to think though, and you were right. If we spend our whole lives living in fear, we’re not really living. So… if you’re willing to take a chance with me, I’ll be willing to tell you all my secrets, too.” He took a deep breath and raked his hand through the hair at the crown of his head. “Terrified as it makes me.”  
“Why are you so scared?”  
“Well, it’s not easy. I mean… how to bring it up in a conversation? And if she’s not as messed up as me, it just becomes a list of all the reasons not to date me.”  
“I’m flattered,” she said flatly.  
“I didn’t mean—“  
“I know what you meant. It’s okay, it’s probably pretty safe to assume I’m just as messed up.”  
“Have you ever told these things to other men?”  
“No. For the same reasons. I don’t want a man that sits on the sidelines and pities me.”  
“Right! You want someone with empathy… That gets how you feel.”  
“I was wondering what changed your mind?”  
“Well, I’m at that point in my life where I want to settle down, and if I want to be serious, and I want you to take me seriously, we need to know the bad parts of our hearts, as well as all the good.”  
“Makes sense,” she said quietly.  
“‘Cuz anyone can fall in love when all they see is the good stuff.”  
“What?” Her eyes flicked up at him.  
“Oh! I didn’t mean I… I’m not there yet—“  
She chuckled. “Relax, I see your point. We don’t want to find out about the skeletons a year from now, so we gotta give each other a chance to leave before we get too serious.”  
“Yes!” he cried, making the horse grunt and turn his head. “Sorry.”  
“Okay. And drinks sound great. I don’t think I could get through it all without it.”  
“Me neither.”  
“Now, you thinking all at once, or piece-by-piece?”  
“I think all at once,” he said. “Get it all out of the way. If you don’t have plans this weekend.” She nodded, stooping down to brush the underbelly.  
“The whole weekend, huh? I think we can do that.” He didn’t miss the sultry tone in her voice, and it made his blood start to rush south.  
“Soo… Are we dating?”  
She stood up, giggling. “Yes, I think we are.”  
“Got any rules for me?”  
“Oohhhh, a man who asks,” she replied playfully. “Well no, not generally. You do what you want and I will respond how I want. We’ll get a feel for it. I’m really not that hard to figure out.”  
“We watch football on Sundays?”  
“Yup.”  
“Cowboys?”  
“Packers.”  
“What about Dallas-Green Bay games?”  
“Depends on whether or not you wanna have sex with me that day,” she said, casually unlatching her horse and turning away from him.  
Nick’s excitement was getting too much for him to ignore. “Packers it is.”

Luctor et Emergo

#18

“Nick Stokes,” she said slowly, mulling his name over on her tongue. Something about it cemented his attention. “Time has been kind to you.”  
“I’m flattered,” he replied with a smile, splaying his hand on his chest. “But uh, forgive me… Have we met?”  
“Oh I’m not super shocked you don’t remember me,” she said graciously. She didn’t appear even slightly offended. “Last time we met was… God… Seven? Eight years ago?” He shook his head. “We met at a lecture here in the city by Skip Palenik. Had something to do with animal hair trace analysis.”  
“Right! Right, you sat next to me and we started talking about how interesting some of the scaling patterns are.” She smiled and sat on the edge of his desk with her arms folded over her chest.  
“Ringin’ any other bells?”  
“Yeah we uh… got a couple drinks after. God, we must’ve talked ‘til three in the morning.”  
“Yeah. I went back with you to your hotel room, ‘cuz we were both kinda messed up.” He felt his face flush deep red as the memory flooded back. “And we just crashed.”  
He looked at the floor, holding his breath while he tried to figure out what to say. “I’m sorry I—“  
“Nothing happened, Nick,” she said with a chuckle. “We literally just cuddled until we passed out and parted ways before check-out the next morning.”  
“You’re not upset at me?”  
She shrugged. “I have no reason to be. We were both kinda diggin’ on each other, but we were both just too far gone for much of anything to happen. Although… getting to the room was fun.”  
He tipped his head up toward the ceiling. Oh my God, I do remember how hot it was, making out in the hall. How the cider and whiskey made her tongue taste like apple pie. How she put her hands in my shirt and just… loved touching on me.  
He could feel his blood pressure drop as it rushed from his head. Just remembering… Took me ten minutes to open the door. Had to put my hands on the wall to keep from falling over, though…  
Was it that, or did I want her to keep petting me up and down my sides? Her nails scraping my back? God, I wanted more. And my stupid ass fell asleep? How the fuck did that happen? I was too drunk to—  
“And if memory serves, you kinda have these walls up that um… makes it difficult for me to get to know you very well.”  
His eyes widened. “W-walls?”  
“Yeah, you um… didn’t want to talk about you so much. You were okay with talking about me the whole time… or work. I kinda like to get to know a tiny bit about the guy I’m gonna sleep with.”  
Nick stuffed his hands in his pockets, swallowing hard and looking back at the floor. “Sorry.”  
“Hey, it’s not your fault. Some guys are just like that. I take it you’ve been told that before?”  
“Couple women might’ve… mentioned it.”  
“Well hey, Nolan’s had his eye on you to replace him basically since then, and you’re famously empathetic.”  
“Really?”  
“Oh, the team knows all about you, so now I do too.”  
“Nothing horrible, I hope.”  
“Just that you’re good with kids, quiet, smart as a whip, understanding. So you can’t be that bad, huh?”  
“I hope not.”  
“Oh, also that you’re kind of a ‘bro’. You like guy-time; baseball, watching sports, that kind of thing.” He shrugged. “Kinda hard in your position to get the crew members to accept you though, am I right?”  
“Yeah, spot-on, actually. How’d you know?”  
“Well, you sign their paychecks, keep them in line. They don’t want you seeing the after-hours, vulgar, aggressive, unprofessional sides of themselves. They’d rather pretend they don’t have one. So I imagine things get kind of lonely.” He didn’t answer, but she didn’t really ask a question. “Day shift and night shift usually play volleyball on the beach on Saturday, and there’s no law against you being on the beach at the same time.” He nodded, folding his arms and taking a step closer. “But if you’re really concerned, I’d make friends with the CHIPs. They got a real heavy rivalry with some of the boys here, since that’s where a lot of them came from. CHIPs don’t care who you are ‘cuz you can’t get them fired, and if they let you play with them, the team might try to win you back. Either way, it’s good, healthy dude-fun.”  
“And if they just hate me for being a traitor?”  
“Well then, you can hang out with me. I know I’m not a guy, but I like beer and whiskey, I root for the Packers on Sunday, and I make killer game-day nachos.”  
“Well I do love watching Packers lose to the Cowboys.”  
“You must be disappointed often, then,” she shot back. He smirked. “Kyle and Nolan swing by during the Superbowl sometimes, too. Baseball on off-seasons, and thriller movies in between.” He felt as though his body couldn’t handle the flood of hormones coursing through his veins. God, she’s perfect!  
Is she being fake, though?  
I don’t think so. This is a woman who will watch sports with or without you. Her letting you join her is a gift.  
“You look great yourself. Looks like you’ve been in the sun.” And your hips got wider… Hair is a little lighter… God knows, if you were beautiful before, you’re drop-dead sexy now…  
Chill, dude. Keep your cool or she’s gonna notice you shaking…  
“Very nice of you to notice. I own a horse ranch now.” Her cell phone alerted her to a text. “Well, my ride’s here,” she said, getting to her feet and walking past him to the door.  
“Hey, Natalie?” he said, lightly brushing his fingertips on her arm as she moved. Her bright green eyes met his, making his heart skip a beat. “I remember I absolutely loved spending time with you, and that isn’t exactly how I wanted that night to end. And I was really disappointed I had to leave. But now I’m here forever. Any chance we could… start again?” he asked, gesturing between them.  
“I stay for breakfast now, Nick.” Mmm, sassier than she was. I’m totally into that.  
He chuckled. “I wouldn’t expect anything less. I’m different than I was eight years ago, too. I promise I’m better.”  
“Sounds great.” She softly kissed his cheek. “My number’s in Nolan’s Rolodex.”

#19

“Do you think that… maybe we could start over?”  
“I don’t really do one-nighters anymore, Nick. I’m kind of at that point where I want to settle down and… you know, maybe start a family. That kind of thing.”  
His warm, crooked smile spread to his eyes. “Would you believe me if I said I am too? Or would you think it some kind of line?”  
“I guess with all things, I’m gonna need to see the evidence.”  
“What do you need?”  
“We should talk about deal-breakers… things neither of us would be able to work through.”  
“That’s fair. And you know, I’m willing to talk through pretty much anything.” She nodded, but her smile quickly faded. “What else?”  
“If you don’t address your trauma, your relationship will,” she said, slowly wringing her hands. “No one gets out of our line of work without scars. Demons. Things that… just like the good things… make a person who you are.” Her eyes met his and he felt the same shudder race up his back. He grit his teeth against it. “I’ve got ‘em, too. The things that haunt you in your dreams, the cause of any triggers you have. I want to know about all your traumas… How they made you feel, how you reacted, how they affected you. And I’ll tell you mine.”  
Nick shifted his weight, letting out his breath slowly. “I dunno… It took me years to get comfortable enough with a shrink… and really only my crew knows half of it. And even they don’t know what was always going through my head. There’s a lot I haven’t come to terms with.”  
“Scars don’t heal, Nick,” she said warmly. “They fade… But they never go away. You have to learn to live with them.” She touched his face, stroking her thumb along his cheek bone. “But you don’t have to do it alone.” He closed his eyes and tipped his head against her palm. “I promise this isn’t because I think I can fix you, that I can somehow come in and rescue you. But there’s no reason you have to go through everything alone.” He argued internally with himself, weighing the consequences and logic of opening up to her. “I won’t leave you just because you’re hurt.”  
God, it’s so soon!  
Yeah, but you don’t want to find out later the woman you’re with isn’t in love with you because you’re just too screwed up.  
Oh, God, what if she decides now I’m too messed up? Then I won’t even get the chance to try! Then I’d’ve told her everything for nothing.  
Will you take a fucking chance?! She gets it!  
“You don’t have to decide right now,” she said quietly. “Why don’t you take a couple days. Sleep on it. Whatever you gotta do. And call me when you decide.”

#20

Nolan’s phone rang from the center console and he snapped it up. “Nolan… Jail?” he growled. Nick looked at him. “How long?... The whole weekend? What about bail?... I guess jail makes more sense, then… What the hell did you do?... Of course you did… Just can’t seem to stay out of trouble, can you?...” His brow furrowed, and Nick could’ve sworn he heard the echo of his name. “Yeah, he’s here,” he replied, glancing at Nick. He nervously looked away out the window. “Well, I don’t think you’ll be able to stop me, will ya? Girl, if your dad was here… Fine. Yeah, whatever, we were heading out that way anyways… Yeah… You’re gonna have to answer some questions when you get out, Girl… Bye.”  
Nolan hung up and sighed heavily. “Who was that?” Nick asked casually.  
“I think you know.” He suddenly felt as though he was being scolded by his father. “You wanna tell me why my goddaughter specifically asked that I not tell you she’s in jail?”  
“Jail?”  
“I’ll get to that in a minute. What is going on between you two?”  
“We… met each other at a conference a couple years ago and when we met again the other night at the fight… we just clicked all over again. We started talking about… you know, us, and she gave me her terms for something… something serious and I was gonna go to her place tonight to talk about it.”  
“You’re serious about her?” Nick locked his eyes on Nolan’s. “I don’t have to tell you to be careful.” Nick shook his head.  
“Now… She’s in jail?”  
“Something about civil disobedience,” said Nolan, flexing his hands on the steering wheel and rolling his shoulders back against the seat. “That protest in town got a little rowdy, and she’s always right there in the front row.”  
“That’s an admirable quality, though… as long as it’s for the right reasons.”  
“Well, sure. But I swear, she’s got a reckless streak a country mile wide.”  
Nick smirked. “Lots of people do. I sure did when I was younger.”  
“That’s another thing,” started Nolan, with an edge of caution to his voice. “It doesn’t bother you that you’re like… eleven years older than she is?” Nick frowned darkly.  
“She doesn’t seem to care.”  
Nolan cleared his throat, turning into a long dirt driveway. “Right. Sorry… Anyway, she asked that I go by her house and take care of the animals for her.”  
“Animals?” Nick asked, noticing a barn behind a charming two-story farmhouse. “Does she have cows?”  
“Horses and dogs,” replied Nolan, cutting the engine and stepping out of the truck. *describe property* He whistled loudly, making the hair at the back of Nick’s head stand on end. Suddenly, a pair of handsome german shepherds came bounding from the barn, leaping through the tight gaps in the electric fence toward the men.  
Nick braced himself as neither showed signs of slowing, and the male immediately jumped at him, playfully slamming into his chest, panting and wagging wildly. The smaller female focused her attention on Nolan. Nick laughed, burying his hands in the dog’s thick brown fur around his neck while he licked his face, then pursed his lips as a long, flat tongue tried to probe into his mouth. He shoved the dog away and he circled around Nick’s legs, pushing his weight against his knees and grumbling lowly.  
“Sorry, they get a little excited around new people,” said Nolan, just as the pair started to settle down.  
“Oh, it’s no trouble,” he said, scratching a pair of pointed ears. “Is it, boy?”  
“That’s Apollo, and this is Artemis. They’re from the same litter. Ex-police dogs. Natalie spoils them, though. Seem to have forgotten some of their manners.”  
“She adopted them together? That was nice of her.”  
“She’s not one for breaking up a family,” explained Nolan. The men walked toward the barn, tailed closely by the dogs. “You two are a lot alike, actually. Can’t tell you how many times she was in my office because she got a little too personally involved in… domestic cases.”  
“Domestic?” Nick’s eyes adjusted to the shadowy dark of the barn. The dust from their shuffling feet sifted through the sunlight beaming in the open windows. His ears pricked up at the soft flutter of owls high in the rafters.  
“Spousal abuse, child abuse, that kind of thing. She tends to forget she’s not a marriage counselor. Or these kids’ mother.” Nick smiled warmly as he looked at Nolan.  
“Is that a bad thing? Sometimes a kid needs to know there’s someone out there looking out for them.”  
“Not a scientist that’s supposed to be objective. But you know that.”  
“Yeah, it’s hard sometimes.”  
“Part of the reason the team loves her so much is because she’s got all this unfulfilled wife slash mom complex,” he explained while he walked into the tack room for a wheelbarrow. “So even though she’s young, she seems a lot older and wiser. Everyone comes to her for relationship advice or if they just need someone to talk to. And kids absolutely love her. They open up to her a lot better than the cops, and some of the socialists. She relates to them.”  
“Yeah, that sounds familiar,” Nick mumbled. “Alright, what do we gotta do?”  
“Well, most of the horses are out to pasture ‘til Monday, I think. So thank God they don’t have to be brought in.”  
“Don’t know how?” Nick asked with a smirk.  
“Do I look like a cowboy?”  
“Fair enough. Well look, I grew up on a ranch, lemme handle things.” He took the handles of the wheelbarrow, placing himself in front so he could pull it behind him.  
“The only two horses that should be in the yard are Ranger and Grace. They’re a breeding pair and Grace is due to foal in a month or so.” He pointed to a marker board on the wall next to the feed room. “Looks like Ranger gets four flakes of hay, and Grace gets the same and double oats. And it’s fall, so we best brush ‘em.” They gathered up the feed and grooming supplies and headed out into the yard.  
“Now, if you don’t mind me asking, how do you know so much about her life? Is her real dad… you know?”  
“He’s alive. In prison.” Nick froze in his tracks and looked at Nolan with wide eyes. “Since she was sixteen. Her dad and I were in the NCIS together until I took the job at the lab. ‘Bout the same time, she came back into his life. Then one day, he took off. Last I heard, he killed this guy in Canada. Got twenty to sixty before he killed someone else in the pen. The wife and I have been looking after her ever since.”  
“Her father is a murderer?” Nolan shrugged. “What about her mother?”  
“Not in the picture. Look, I dunno too much about the details about where she came from, but Gerard was never a violent man. Whatever went on, he had a reason, because he hunted that guy. He told me he knew he was going away. This,” he gestured widely with his arm “was all his. He left everything to her and I was the only one he told before he took off. He didn’t say why, but if you would’ve seen his eyes… you wouldn’t have asked questions either.”  
“He left his sixteen year old daughter to hunt someone? After she came to him?”  
“It’s not a choice many of us would’ve made, but you have to remember, no one really knows how they’ll behave in a situation until you’re eye-to-eye with it. I can’t judge the man too harshly. Especially since I don’t know what his trigger was. One can speculate, though. It’s important to remember, though, that she’s an incredible woman. She’s stubborn and gets in trouble a lot, but her heart’s in the right place. She’s strong and protective. She loves intensely and passionately, loves to get in fights with all the right people; shady cops, white supremacists, neo-nazis, animal abusers. She’s not someone to stand on the sidelines.”  
“That’s why she’s in jail? A demonstration against police overreach?”  
“Officers were using teargas on peaceful people. So she started throwing them back at the cops.”  
Nick chuckled. “Man, that girl’s wild.”  
“Don’t laugh too hard, she’s a lot like you.”  
“Fair enough.”  
“But that’s why I don’t mind helping her out. She spends so much time fighting for others, it’s time someone helped her. Gettin’ too old for this shit, though.”  
“Well… no matter how things turn out with me an’ her, I’d be happy to take over when she’s in jail.”  
“You’d help an ex?”  
“Well, she’s still a good woman no matter what. And horses can’t open their own grain bags. Stalls don’t muck themselves and dogs can’t let themselves out.”  
“Smart kid. I’m sure you guys’ll be okay. Gotta be real careful about communicating, though. Always remember that.”  
“That’s what she told me. That’s actually what we were gonna go over. She wanted to know about all my skeletons and I can ask about hers. She says it’s important to know things early on.”  
“My advice? If you can see yourself falling in love with her, do what she says. Women are real good about telling you exactly what they want from you. Men are just too stubborn to do it sometimes.”

#21

Nick’s eyes burned with fatigue as he threw himself into bed, groaning bitterly at the cold sheets on his bare skin. He pulled the top sheet up over his head, trapping in his hot breath while he writhed against the mattress, struggling to get comfortable. “Bed’s too big,” he grumbled, his voice a little more gravelly than he was used to. He rubbed his feet together while sandwiching his head between his pillows. Not big, just empty.  
Dunno what you mean.  
Well, if she was here, and she was already in your bed, it would be warm already and you could pass right out. If she jumped into bed with you, you could get warm rubbing on her.  
You don’t have to sell me on sleeping with a woman.  
No, but you apparently need to be reminded about sleeping with that woman.  
No I don’t. I had her one night and she still pops up sometimes.  
And the only thing stopping you from having her every night is that she wants you to talk to her. It’s so simple, Dude.  
If it was that simple, I’d be married with a million kids by now.  
A million?  
Four, shut up.  
Nick groaned, tightening his grip around his head as he fought his arousal. “Stop! This can’t be the reason!”  
This is just a side-effect. You know you want her, and you’ll know you’ll give her everything she wants because you want to. You want her, you want intimacy, you want to share, and that makes you want to touch. Touch is your love language, and you’ll submit to that. You’re scared, but you’ll get over it.  
It took another hour for Nick’s mind to quiet and allow him to finally fall asleep.

#22

“Nick… I know you don’t want to, but before we go any further, I gotta know what all hurt you so bad.” He hesitated, shifting his feet. “Nick, you don’t know it, but you… this isn’t the first time you’ve worried me.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“Honey… you cry in your sleep sometimes.”  
He bit his cheek, turning his head away from her. “A lot?”  
“No, maybe once a month or so. Do you know why?” He shrugged. She stepped close to him, wrapping her arms around his neck. “The last time… Honey, you cried for you mom. Sometimes it’s Warrick. Sometimes it’s Kipp… And now with… whatever that was… Honey, please tell me what’s hurting you.” He closed his eyes tightly. He knew that if he met her eyes, he’d break down. “I won’t leave you because you’re hurting. I mean… if I told you I have epilepsy… would you leave me?”  
Nick’s eyes flashed open, fixating on hers immediately. “Do you?”  
She swallowed hard and shifted her gaze to his mouth and back up again. That’s what the other pills are for! That’s why she doesn’t drive! “My point is… that’s part of a secure relationship. We don’t run away from each other when things seem dark.”  
“I’ve never told anyone before.”  
“I didn’t think you had,” she said softly. “But remember that bridge we’d say we cross when we came to it? Well, I need to know.”  
“So you can what? Fix me? Rescue me?” he asked, bitterness seeping into his voice.  
“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I know better than that. Traumatized people can’t be fixed. And I know that better than anyone.” He held his breath as she let her arms drop. “I won’t force you, Nick. But if you won’t let me in, I’m not going to keep wasting my time trying. I need to know you trust me enough not to keep secrets from me.” He lowered his head, tears beginning to sting his eyes. He heard the choke in her voice as she stepped toward the door. “Just know that… I’ll never stop loving you anyway.”  
A sudden, white-hot bolt of energy shot through him and he lunged toward her, slamming his hands on the door just as she was opening it. “You what?” he whispered, trapping her between his body and the door.  
She visibly shuddered under him, her shining eyes gazing deep into his. “I love you, Nick.”  
He smiled, crooking his finger under her chin and tipping her face up. “No one’s ever said that to me.”  
“You never gave anyone a chance.”  
He sighed, kissing her deeply, his hands gaining purchase all over her body. “I’ll tell you,” he finally said. He released her, breathless and shaky. All she could do is nod. “But I want to know about your demons, too,” he growled. She nodded again. “Best get the good bourbon, cuz it’s gonna be a long night.” She moved past him toward the kitchen. “And Baby Girl?” She turned and melted under his heated gaze. “I love you, too.”

#23

“Anyone you’re looking for in particular?” Nolan’s voice from the door made him flinch and he turned suddenly. “Oh-ho, so that’s a yes, huh?” he said, meandering his way over to the desk.  
“I uh… no…” Nick mumbled, closing the file drawer. “Just uh… familiarizing myself with the… the contractors.”  
“Uh-huh,” said Nolan, taking a seat across from Nick at the desk. “What’s her name? Maybe I can help.”  
Nick took a deep breath and sank into the chair, broken down by the older man’s knowing gaze. “Natalie Gillette. We met a couple years ago in Vegas. At a microscopy lecture. Skip Palenik. She said she was from the San Diego lab. We talked for a while and uh—“  
“You must’ve hit it off, if you remember it so well.”  
“I remember everything,” Nick replied with a crooked grin. “But yeah, that’s the meat of it. I was just wondering… ‘cuz I haven’t seen her personnel file… what might’ve happened to her. I was just curious.”  
“Well,” said Nolan as he tented his fingers, “she’s living on a horse ranch about forty-five minutes outside of town now. The crews call her if they get stumped on something with handwriting or just if they run across something really strange for her to take a look at. She’s really into micro photography now, has a kind of scrapbook she’s put together.”  
Nick nodded slowly. “Ah so she… doesn’t come in too often?”  
Nolan suppressed a smile, albeit poorly. “No. Maybe once or twice a month.” He shook his finger at him. “You must be concerned that having a last liaison may be an ethics violation.”  
Nick’s eyes widened. He hadn’t considered that at all. “Well, again… I was just curious. I wasn’t really considering… picking things up again.”  
“Ah. But remember… you’re not actually her boss.” Nick’s eyes narrowed, hoping he hadn’t misread the thinly veiled meaning in his tone. “She sets her own wage, which is approved by accounting, so it’s not like you can give her a raise. And the team leaders submit their own reviews of their crews, so her opinion has no weight when it comes to anyone else. It’s about as valuable as my wife’s. And HR is going to assume you can think for yourself.” Nick nodded, tracing the edge of his teeth with his tongue as Nolan spoke. “That being said,” he leaned forward, “don’t do anything you’d fire someone else for.”  
“Well, like I said… I thought I might say ‘hi’ at least. See how she is.”  
“What all did you guys bond over, if you don’t mind me asking?”  
“Oh, well after the lecture, there were a few of us, three or four, talking about some of the worst cases we’ve seen as far as body retrieval. There’s a lot of people from different regions, so it makes for interesting conversation.”  
“Sure.”  
“Well we were all talking about how the worst part of the job sometimes is getting the smell of decomp out of your skin. A guy said his girl left him because there were times the gowns didn’t do enough. I said we use lemon juice and lots and lots of baths. She said she uses Dawn. By this time, the others left and it’s me an’ her. I asked why Dawn, and she said because organic molecules stick to the oils in hair follicles, and Dawn strips oil off of baby ducks just fine, so she tried it once and it worked. She said Vick’s rub under the nose and around the mouth keeps your lunch down,” he said, tracing his fingers around his face. “I told her she was really clever, she said that I was the reason people in your lab have to buddy up to keep from getting kidnapped.”  
Nolan laughed heartily. “Yeah, that sounds like her.”  
“We started talking some more, had a couple drinks, and uh… mostly just talked the night away.” Aside from the sex… “I started using her techniques when I got back to work on Monday.”  
“Yeah she’s… she’s a smart girl, for sure. It’s such a shame we had to let her go.”  
Nick tipped his head. “Had to?”  
Nolan’s face flushed white and he got to his feet. “Anyway— hey! Do you like watching a fight?”  
“What like UFC?” he asked, a little annoyed at the obvious deflection. “Sure, I used to catch them when I could back home.”  
“There’s a Ronda Rousey fight tonight at the Mediterranean.” He backed towards the door. “You should check it out, you’ll never believe the people you’ll see. Stallone… Schwarzenegger… pretty girls…”


End file.
